This reminded me of something that happened about a week ago. A driver started after I was. Lately he complained about everything, vehicles having to be brought in and the loss of time on the road and possible earnings, bad or no tips and anything he could complain about. This man is around my age and I was afraid he would explode and go “postal” on one of his customers or in the office.

I started talking to him and explained to him, yes, we have a lousy job with long hours and bad pay. I told him about my last job in Florida, the great pay and how I lost it and moved to the Philippines.
I also asked him if there was any better option for us for employment at our age and being in the state and city with the highest unemployment in the nation.

I told him he needed to learn to enjoy the good parts of the job. Practically every day we have a customer who brings enjoyment to our day. It could be someone from our hometown or from a place, we had visited so we can talk about that. It might be someone who has an interesting story to tell you or something you can learn about life or places. It can be someone who gives you a huge tip just because they enjoy your treatment and safe driving.

I told him how I engage customers in conversation and the stories and jokes I use in the car. I told him how I stock up on bottled water in the morning and offer it to my customers.

I also mentioned, even if he tries to be happy and upbeat but is depressed, it shows through. If he expected to get the best from this job, he has to give some of himself to get in return.

Look, remember the good, and put the bad in the back of his mind. Have fun with the job. Many have told me, especially my wife I am a “talker.” This is true. I love to engage almost anyone in conversation. I learn from the others and enjoy the different views and stories from others. This makes my day go by faster, energizes me and I think my customers enjoy their ride in my taxi too. With their enjoyment comes a better tip too. I have had a $40 tip on a $12 ride one morning. The customer asked me about driving a taxi and I told him about the hours and pay. When he paid me, he told me he wanted to start my day on a good note.

It is defiantly harder to be positive and upbeat than depressed. It takes work and a conscience effort some days, but gets easier as time goes by. Depression is the safest place to be since anything that goes bad just adds and proves the reasons to be depressed.

Maybe from my time in the Philippines and seeing how many Filipinos live and the things I had to do without living there gave me a better outlook on life and needs.

Years ago we would always talk about wanting a better job, now we are happy having a job. Look for the “silver lining” in the clouds and find ways to give yourself and those around you positive look at life and learn to enjoy the little things life and nature has to offer.

In the beginning, we try to give the best impression to this person. Maybe a friend introduced you to this person and told you about their interests and hobbies. You try to keep conversations on subjects the other person has an interest. You try to show your best manors and grooming. Over time, if the relationship continues, you get comfortable and your true self becomes more exposed. Sometimes the relationship ends up in trouble or ends. It could be weeks, months or even years.

Even if the relationship turns into cohabitation or marriage, over time our differences can become a problem. I have heard different excuses, such as “we have grown in different directions” or “he/she is not the same person I first met.”

I have even had friends that had a vision of the person they think they can change the person into and see that person with that vision or conception. I remember when a female friend told me her boyfriend is not the same as he was when they met. I told her he is the same, she was not able to change him to the person she envisioned him to become. She thought for a while and then agreed with me.

If you were lucky, and this problem occurred before you moved in together or become married, all it becomes is a breakup. You go on with your life and start over.

Over the past 15-20 years with the internet, many of us tried the internet dating sites. We sign up, answer questions, fill out a profile and even post a photograph. Most of us try to be honest, but we will tend to tell about how wonderful we are all our great accomplishments and about our caring and warm personality. We do not discuss our weaknesses, faults or personality flaws. Some even deceive and use old photos when our bodies were thin and firm.

After you make a connection, you send messages and emails to each other. Eventually it goes to phone calls or voice and video chat. How many times we see the other person on video or meet in person and they do not look at all like their photo on their profile. Again, no big problem, you either disconnect the connection, or if you met in person, you finish your drink and dinner and go home and delete the person from your speed dial.

Now to discuss international meetings since this is what many of the readers here are experiencing. With the difficulties, finding ladies in our home country more and more are looking at ladies from Asia or Europe. Many Caucasian men, me included, find Asian ladies exotic and beautiful. We have also heard how Asian women through their culture are taught to take such good care of their man.

So we go online and visit all the sites to meet a beautiful and in most cases young lady. As soon as you add your profile, you mailbox will be filled with hundreds of ladies interested in you. At first, you will feel so special, so many of these beautiful ladies want to get to know you better. Over time, you will find a few or even one lady you want to get to know better. You email each other and then move on to one of the instant messaging systems such as Yahoo. You will hear how this young lady is interested in an older American or European man since we are more reliable, mature and responsible than most men in their country. This is true but in many cases, it is more and never said. Why do you think these women spend a big part of their meager budget to spend hours in an internet café?

As I have written many times, here in the Philippines it is very difficult to earn a wage to support yourself or your family. Many Filipinos need a lot less to be content. They are not used to the large houses, central air conditioning, or even modern conveniences such as a stove. However, from watching movies or television they see how we live in our country. Then many hear about how a friend’s life has improved when they move to America or Europe. Some have friends or hear about a Filipina who is living with a foreigner here in the Philippines.

With this dream of such an improved life, many of these ladies will tell the man in emails how she will treat him and take care of him. They will tell you how they enjoy every hobby the man mentions or tells him how exciting it would be to learn his hobby so they can do these things together.

Is this much different from dating in your home country. Not really, we try to be what the person we are interested in dating is interested in doing. The difference is you never get to build the relationship as you do if the lady is in your own city. There is the old saying that “Long distance relationships do not last.” Now you are starting on a relationship that is half way around the world.

From most of the relationships between a Foreigner and a Filipina, I know or have heard about, most of these ladies are from a poor family located in the Provinces. I have spoken or joked with ladies who have a better job living in the city, if they were interested in a foreigner. Most of the time they look shocked and say no. This is because they feel they can have a good “Filipino” life and do not need a foreigner husband to support them.

So now, I have discussed how we meet. What is the next step? You take your vacation and fly to the Philippines. You stay in a nice hotel and have the lady meet you there. You have a wonderful week or two. You eat in nice restaurants, you spend the day visiting places or you go shopping and buy your lady gifts that to you are not expensive but they could never afford. By the end of your vacation, you are on a cloud and so sad you have to fly home.

Think about all your past relationships and how wonderful they were in the beginning, and how they ended. If you are honest, you can see it was the fault of both. The truth about you comes out and the same of your partner.

I am not telling you to give up your thoughts of finding a Filipino for a wife, just think about the amount of time needed to really get to know someone. Visit more than once. Tell about your moods, your lifestyle and ask questions about hers and her needs and dreams. If you are planning to bring her to your country, tell her about life there, the weather and the lifestyle. Even in America life and lifestyle is different depending where you live.

If you are planning to move here, visit the city you plan to live. Get to know other foreigners and ask about their life. Once you are here, build the relationship slowly. Set your boundaries and explain your needs. Learn as much about the customs and norms. As I have written, the Filipino culture is so different from the American or European culture. One boundary you need to discuss is the ladies family. Does she expect you to support any of her family or does she expect to let members of the family live with you?

I knew my wife Elena for about three years before I moved here. I visited her three times and the last two I stayed in her house. With all this, once here there were things or personality traits I never knew about her and some she did not know about me. We have worked out most but no relationship or marriage is perfect. The best part is we love each other enough to get through the problems.

Off we went to the mall and walked up to a kiosk selling phones and service. We were informed not only was the phone free with a one year service contract; they were offering two phones for the same package deal. Well, mom convinced me to take advantage of the deal and there I was a new owner of a cell phone. I had to keep the service for one year or else I would have to pay a penalty and surcharge for canceling. I had received a basic deal with was $18 a month for 15 free minutes.

In that year, I used the phone once. I was invited to my mom’s house for dinner. On the way, there was a bad accident and traffic was at a complete stop. Therefore, I used my unused phone and called my mom that I would be late. Once I arrived, I asked my mom “if I was late and did not call her, what would she think?” She replied, she would have figured there was bad traffic and would wait. Therefore, see, using the phone had little need. At the end of the year, I canceled the service and put the phone in a drawer to be forgotten.

I had seen many people in America where a cell phone was a necessity. My clients in the building construction business needed the cell phone to keep in touch with the sub-contractors and the office. It did bother me when we could not meet for lunch or in a meeting without the phone going off every five minutes, but they had large projects to manage.

Before moving here, Elena told me I should buy a cell phone in the States since they are cheaper there than in the Philippines. It had to be unlocked and tri-band to be used here. Being confused, I spoke to a neighbor who worked for Motorola and he assisted me in getting something I would like.

Once I got to the Philippines, I learned about text messaging. Not only is it an inexpensive way to communicate, it is a way of life here. I think as soon as your old enough to spell a Filipino gets a cell phone. No matter where a person is, or what they are doing, reading a text message is #1 priority. As a friend jokes, to drive a Filipino crazy is to ignore the fact you just received a text. To a Filipino, there is nothing as important as reading a newly received text message and then replying.

One time I was in the Sala having a cigarette and we heard my cell phone in the bedroom make its sound that I had received a message.  Each member of the family at home had to tell me I received a text. I would answer I knew and would check it after I was finished with my smoke. They would respond “but you got a text message.” Again, I would reply I knew and there could not be something so important that I had to read and respond immediately. Finally, one of my nieces brought me my phone. I thanked her and put the phone on the table. This drove them crazy until I read the message.

Here in Davao, you might be walking in the mall or on the street and a person in front of you will just stop walking to read a message and then stands there or walks at a snail’s pace as they reply. I often joke Filipinos hearing shuts off as they read a message since they will not listen or respond until they are finished.

In addition, a complete question is never asked in one message. The messages go back and forth many times. At the last message, if you do not reply “ok” or “k” you will get another message asking if you received their last message.

For me, I carry my cell phone, but there are sometimes days I never send or receive a text.  Recently a new friend who moved here mentioned he did not have a cell phone, he was tied to it in America and did not want one here. I thought how I would get a hold of him if we were out and planned to meet somewhere. Then talking to him, he mentioned his wife was out with friends one night and did not return until late. He then told her she could not go out without each having a cell phone to get in touch.

I do agree, with many people without landline phones and being out and needing to get in touch with people, a cell phone is a necessity. However, with my never having a cell phone in America and seeing the overuse and addiction to many people here, it does upset me seeing how some people spend hours and money texting constantly. I am sure there are times there is a choice between food and cell phone load and the cell phone wins.

At times, I wonder, in the past, business was conducted, people would meet and stay in contact and there was no form of cell phones. Now it all the cell towers got destroyed, how many would go insane without the ability to be “connected.”

Some of her family just as with many Filipinos who had learned English in school, but had no need to use it since had forgotten much of it. Most of this part of the family live in areas outside of Davao. In our home, most of the time, unless I am to be included in a conversation, the household speaks in Bisaya. It is not just in my home, I hear of this in many homes of Expats. I have heard of some families that try to use English, even if difficult to make the foreigner feel comfortable, but I hear less of this then more.

Then with the inherent shyness of many Filipinos, many can read, write and understand English but are too shy to use it. I know my nieces are strong in written communication in English, I have seen their papers written for college. Sometimes the grammar is a little weak, but their sentences convey their thoughts well. When I try to talk with them, they get shy because their fear of pronunciation errors.

In the past, I was told at their college, University of Mindanao, was a school where English was used by the teachers and the students except in classes of Filipino, which is the official national language. Filipino is practically the same as Tagalog. While talking to my nieces, they told me most teachers speak Tagalog and Bisaya while teaching classes and even if a teacher is using English, many will not force the students to use English in their classes.

With the fear of being rude, many times if an English speaking person is talking to a Filipino, and is not being understood, the Filipino will smile and say “OK” without letting the other know they are not understood.

Yes, we live in a country where there are many native languages. There are over 70 languages or as they call them dialects used in this country. English is in some thoughts not needed in the Philippines and others feel with the international business dealings and the increase of Call Centers and many wanting to work abroad that English are needed. Many newspapers and even government forms, instructions and signage are in English too.

Now there are people that learning a second language comes easy, and others who have trouble. Also the older you get, the harder it is to learn a new language. I am part of the second group. Even in school, I had trouble learning a foreign language. There is one person I know who has hired a teacher and has been learning Bisaya for around two years. Many of my readers know of this person, it is Bob Martin of Living in the Philippines Webzine. He enjoys the freedom it gives him and the ability to talk to practically everyone in Davao and other areas that use Bisaya/Cebuano.

I do not know, but someday I might build up the courage to try to learn either Bisaya or Tagalog. I think of learning Bisaya since it is the most used language in the Philippines and is the language of Davao. On the other hand, if I learn Tagalog, I will be able to understand most television shows and it is a language most Filipinos know.

Now with what I have written, you need to realize, if you plan to relocate here in the Philippines and have the need to feel part of conversations with family or with your partner out in the community, you might think about starting a language course. Even if your partner or family speak English in the home, there will be many times out in the community where you will be standing there as your wife/partner is chatting away in something other for a while and when you ask what transpired, you get a few sentences or explanation or just a short “It is OK, it does not matter” response.

At most businesses there are security guards at the doors. I usually will look to the guard and say hello and ask them how they are doing or say kumasta. I then stop and wait for their answer. Since we go to a local mall often, I have probably met most of the guards. Most of them will smile when they see me coming and we always exchange pleasantries. Also they will pat down the back of men entering the malls and look in carry bags for weapons. I usually carry a sling bag with a small laptop in it. From all my times seeing these guards, rarely do they make me open the bag and I get just a pat on the back.

There are others in the mall I have met. At one of the coffee shops, there is a guy that has a well trimmed thin beard. Most Filipinos do not have much or any facial hair and seeing such a stylish beard I once told him while having coffee how I admired his beard. Now if I walk by, he usually smiles and says hello.

There are ladies at the mall information desk where we get our shopping points that will always smile and say hello as I pass or if they pass me while there on break. If I am outside having a cigarette, there are many times some clerk going or returning from a break will see me, wave or walk over to say hello.

A few days ago I was at a coffee shop and I guy I recognized, but could not remember from where came up to me. He reminded me he worked at the firm I was at. When I started, he was on leave studying and taking his licensing boards. When he came back, he only worked about a week and then left to take a job in another city. Well, he sat down, offered to buy me a cup of coffee, offered to share some of the little cakes he bought. Then his wife came along and joined us. We sat for a while talking about how each other’s lives have been. We then exchanged cell numbers and then they left.

Also there are times, too many to mention when people come up to say hello and from all the people I have met and the time I have lived here, I will recognize but cannot remember names or from where.

The point of all this is how I enjoy meeting people and how a friendly smile, a kind word can make you more accepted an how many Filipinos enjoy saying hello. With their hospitality, they always want to share their friendship and food.

When we go to the mall, one of the places we often have lunch is Pizza Hut. We almost always order the same thing.  Now, we only eat there once a week at the most. With all the customers that eat there, most of the wait staff will come up with a smile and say “the usual?”

Also it amazes me, other places we go, even as infrequently as once a month, we will walk in and be greeted by our names and a smile. There was one waiter at a restaurant that remembered my special way to order one of their items. The amazing thing with him was, I had that on one of my visits and when I returned 6 months later, he remembered and asked if I wanted that item with my special changes.

To me, this is one of the reasons I enjoy living here and meeting people. Instead of being seen as an arrogant foreigner, you are looked at as someone they enjoy seeing.

If you’re talking to someone or even driving somewhere and you ask, where is place this, you will get a response, “It is over there.” Over there can be across the street or on the other side of town.

In America, if you ask directions or location you will hear a distance, any turns and how many blocks or how many businesses you need to pass. Such as “Go 2 miles, pass xxx street, turn right, go 3 blocks and it is the second store on the left.”

Here when your close, and ask where is the location, you will hear again, “Over there” but then you get an index finger doing a motion as I can explain as one finger hitting a keyboard key.

While you’re driving and getting close, you will not hear something to let you know you’re getting close and will turn, instead, as you’re driving and usually in the wrong lane and passing a street, you get a “turn here.” Most times there are cars and motorcycles passing you on both sides and they expect you to cut everyone off and screech your tires and you make the turn. Now you need to find a place to make a “U” turn and head back.

With pointing, instead of fingers pointing, here they use lips. When I first moved here I thought there was a lot of people wanting a kiss, then I found out they are pointing.

If someone wants you to wedge a door stop for a door, you will get lips pointing at the door and a finger wiggle. You will not hear “Please open the door” or “please open the door and wedge it.” Another instance is if someone wants you to sit, they will turn their head towards the chair or bench and pout their lips pointing to the place.

Also for many, there is not the courtesy of would like, are you ready, please come, or other nice things. Instead it is a command. If dinner is ready, you will be told “Eat na. (Na is equivalent to now)” If you do not jump up and rush to the table everyone else will repeat the command.

Another non verbal form of communication is the raising of the eyebrows. If you’re talking to someone, and you ask a question that would have a yes or no answer, many will raise their eyebrows. Or as your talking, instead of the “uh-ha” sound, you will see eyebrows raised for a moment. Unfortunately some Filipinos will do that without seeing if you’re looking at them.

If you’re out and you hear a loud “sssssssssssss” sound like a snake, or loud and long kissing sound, that is how someone is calling for someone’s attention. I hear it the most in front of the mall where Jeepney hawkers are calling for passengers. Or it can me someone on a raised walkway behind you calling to a friend they have been waiting for.

I will be out at the mall having a cigarette and from behind me I hear these sounds, many will look up. One in the crowd then sees their friend.

If you know of other instances of nonverbal communication or sounds used, I would like to know what you think.