In America and I would expect in most Western countries meeting and courting is similar. First, there are many ways someone meets the opposite sex with the thoughts of finding a mate. It can be through a friend, at your employment, in a social event or a dating site online.

Fist I will talk about the direct contact. In most cases, your first meeting will be face to face. You might be out in a bar or social place. Your eyes meet and you find a way to start a conversation. You talk, joke and try to find something in common to carry on a conversation. Once you find this easy conversation and some common interests one will offer their phone number and possible arrange to go for coffee or a meal.

If all goes well on the first meeting, you will offer to go out again. This basic dating will continue for months or even years. Each will invite the other to their home for a meal or an evening and can eventually upgrade to meeting each other’s family. At some point, intimacy will come into the relationship. You might spend nights at each other’s home or go for weekend get-a-ways.

With all this dating and courting, you get to see how each other reacts to life’s situations. How they control anger, happiness and how they are in private, social and family situations. You see how they handle their finances and how they live their lives. Over time, you will decide if this person will be a good fit for the long-term relationship. If not and you remove your “rose colored glasses”, you will end the relationship and start all over.

Over time if there is a strong compatibility is developed and the two decide to either cohabitate to save on money or decide to marry. If you are young, this is a natural step.  If you are in your 30’s, 40’s or older there can be other complications. What if you have children from a previous relationship, if this is the case there are things to look at. Do you get along with your mates children, do they respect you and willing to treat you as a parent figure. Who does the discipline and are you both willing to give up part of your power to the other.

One thing I have learned while living here, Filipinos are not caught up with appearances as we are in America. In America, some look for hair color, height, weight and figure sometimes even eye color.  You also have to remember, Filipinas either are looking for a foreigner or not. I have not heard of many that had no interest in a Foreigner husband and then met one and fell in love. If a Filipina wants a foreigner, she will sign up for many of the online dating sites.  Their whole plan is to find a foreigner to marry and improve their lives. Some only want to relocate to another country and somewhat the foreigner to move here. A few do not care as long as they find a foreigner.

Now for the courting to a Filipina from an American or European man.  In most cases, the man has met a woman or many women online. You start with emails and chatting online. You might have sent gifts or sent money to improve her life. Finally, you decide you need to meet this woman in person. You take your vacation and fly to the Philippines to meet.  You will only come for one to a few weeks. You both show the best of yourself.

In many cases, the woman is not a virgin, and if she is, most times she is willing to give that special gift to you.  With the Filipina culture and to treat a perspective husband well, she will treat you like a King. She will be loving and caring, as you have never experienced. If you visit her home city, she will show you all the sites, even if you do not find them interesting, she will be proud of her city.

In the Philippines, public display of affection is not looked upon well. If you are touching and kissing in public, it will make the woman feel cheap and others to think of her as a whore. Holding hands or arm around shoulders is fine.

In some cases, if she is young, especially if she is going to travel to a city to meet you, she might bring her mother or a family member as a chaperone. If this is the case, show her and her chaperone with respect. You will be expected to cover all costs for both. As I mention many times on this site, set your boundaries. You will look at as a Rich Foreigner. Even if you are poor in your country, you still have more money than she does. Many Filipinas will ask you to take her everywhere, eat at best restaurants and purchase her items from clothes to new cell phones. Look out for this, the more she asks for, the more it will show it is your wallet she wants and not you.

If you are already living here in the Philippines courting is not much different. Most women you meet that are interested in dating or marrying a foreigner are looking for a better life. In addition, many will see you as a way to go out and have fun without any expense. I have heard of many men who make a date and she shows up with 4 to 6 friends. They will order food and drinks and leave you with the tab. Again, set boundaries. If she asks to bring a friend, tell her you are not willing to be the sponsor to feed all her friends. If you agree on one extra person and she shows up with many, my best advice is to give her taxi fare and leave. If she really were interested in you, she would not have lied. If she is looking towards you as the banker, you did not need her anyway.

In the beginning, we try to give the best impression to this person. Maybe a friend introduced you to this person and told you about their interests and hobbies. You try to keep conversations on subjects the other person has an interest. You try to show your best manors and grooming. Over time, if the relationship continues, you get comfortable and your true self becomes more exposed. Sometimes the relationship ends up in trouble or ends. It could be weeks, months or even years.

Even if the relationship turns into cohabitation or marriage, over time our differences can become a problem. I have heard different excuses, such as “we have grown in different directions” or “he/she is not the same person I first met.”

I have even had friends that had a vision of the person they think they can change the person into and see that person with that vision or conception. I remember when a female friend told me her boyfriend is not the same as he was when they met. I told her he is the same, she was not able to change him to the person she envisioned him to become. She thought for a while and then agreed with me.

If you were lucky, and this problem occurred before you moved in together or become married, all it becomes is a breakup. You go on with your life and start over.

Over the past 15-20 years with the internet, many of us tried the internet dating sites. We sign up, answer questions, fill out a profile and even post a photograph. Most of us try to be honest, but we will tend to tell about how wonderful we are all our great accomplishments and about our caring and warm personality. We do not discuss our weaknesses, faults or personality flaws. Some even deceive and use old photos when our bodies were thin and firm.

After you make a connection, you send messages and emails to each other. Eventually it goes to phone calls or voice and video chat. How many times we see the other person on video or meet in person and they do not look at all like their photo on their profile. Again, no big problem, you either disconnect the connection, or if you met in person, you finish your drink and dinner and go home and delete the person from your speed dial.

Now to discuss international meetings since this is what many of the readers here are experiencing. With the difficulties, finding ladies in our home country more and more are looking at ladies from Asia or Europe. Many Caucasian men, me included, find Asian ladies exotic and beautiful. We have also heard how Asian women through their culture are taught to take such good care of their man.

So we go online and visit all the sites to meet a beautiful and in most cases young lady. As soon as you add your profile, you mailbox will be filled with hundreds of ladies interested in you. At first, you will feel so special, so many of these beautiful ladies want to get to know you better. Over time, you will find a few or even one lady you want to get to know better. You email each other and then move on to one of the instant messaging systems such as Yahoo. You will hear how this young lady is interested in an older American or European man since we are more reliable, mature and responsible than most men in their country. This is true but in many cases, it is more and never said. Why do you think these women spend a big part of their meager budget to spend hours in an internet café?

As I have written many times, here in the Philippines it is very difficult to earn a wage to support yourself or your family. Many Filipinos need a lot less to be content. They are not used to the large houses, central air conditioning, or even modern conveniences such as a stove. However, from watching movies or television they see how we live in our country. Then many hear about how a friend’s life has improved when they move to America or Europe. Some have friends or hear about a Filipina who is living with a foreigner here in the Philippines.

With this dream of such an improved life, many of these ladies will tell the man in emails how she will treat him and take care of him. They will tell you how they enjoy every hobby the man mentions or tells him how exciting it would be to learn his hobby so they can do these things together.

Is this much different from dating in your home country. Not really, we try to be what the person we are interested in dating is interested in doing. The difference is you never get to build the relationship as you do if the lady is in your own city. There is the old saying that “Long distance relationships do not last.” Now you are starting on a relationship that is half way around the world.

From most of the relationships between a Foreigner and a Filipina, I know or have heard about, most of these ladies are from a poor family located in the Provinces. I have spoken or joked with ladies who have a better job living in the city, if they were interested in a foreigner. Most of the time they look shocked and say no. This is because they feel they can have a good “Filipino” life and do not need a foreigner husband to support them.

So now, I have discussed how we meet. What is the next step? You take your vacation and fly to the Philippines. You stay in a nice hotel and have the lady meet you there. You have a wonderful week or two. You eat in nice restaurants, you spend the day visiting places or you go shopping and buy your lady gifts that to you are not expensive but they could never afford. By the end of your vacation, you are on a cloud and so sad you have to fly home.

Think about all your past relationships and how wonderful they were in the beginning, and how they ended. If you are honest, you can see it was the fault of both. The truth about you comes out and the same of your partner.

I am not telling you to give up your thoughts of finding a Filipino for a wife, just think about the amount of time needed to really get to know someone. Visit more than once. Tell about your moods, your lifestyle and ask questions about hers and her needs and dreams. If you are planning to bring her to your country, tell her about life there, the weather and the lifestyle. Even in America life and lifestyle is different depending where you live.

If you are planning to move here, visit the city you plan to live. Get to know other foreigners and ask about their life. Once you are here, build the relationship slowly. Set your boundaries and explain your needs. Learn as much about the customs and norms. As I have written, the Filipino culture is so different from the American or European culture. One boundary you need to discuss is the ladies family. Does she expect you to support any of her family or does she expect to let members of the family live with you?

I knew my wife Elena for about three years before I moved here. I visited her three times and the last two I stayed in her house. With all this, once here there were things or personality traits I never knew about her and some she did not know about me. We have worked out most but no relationship or marriage is perfect. The best part is we love each other enough to get through the problems.

There are differences in all relationships no matter if you are from the same country, same culture, same racial background, same age range or any mix of them. Here you mostly see older retired men with young women. It is not just expat men, even many times you see older Filipinos with young women on their arm.

Here in the Philippines there is much poverty. Many families barely can afford a bowl of rice a day. Many employed Filipinos earn so little income it is difficult to feed and clothe their families.  In the Provinces there is even less opportunities to earn a living. Because of this, many young people come to the cities to look for employment. However, the cities are so over populated; the competition for jobs is huge. Because of this, many families encourage their daughters to seek relationships with men from foreign countries on the internet or through friendships with Filipinas already involved in a relationship with a Foreigner.

Because many men from around the world find a strong attraction to Asian women and since English is spoken here to some degree by, most Filipinos women from the Philippines are very desirable.

There are different ways and reasons foreign men find Filipinas, enter into some form of relationship, and come to the Philippines. Some meet Filipinas in their home country and visit or move to the Philippines after retirement. Some meet a woman on line with the intention of bringing them back to their home country and come here to meet in person and some men move here after retirement to marry a woman they met online or to just play the dating game once they move here.

Now let us discuss a little about the age differences. On one forum site I saw a lot of activity of men bragging how much younger their wife was than their age. I wanted to joke and say my wife is so young, she has not been born yet. OK, it is a fact you see many men in their sixties with women in the early to mid twenties. These men will talk about how well their wife or girlfriend takes care of them. Their women cook, clean and do their laundry. The Filipinas take care of every need the man has and I am not talking about intimate details. The thing is, Filipinas are raised doing these things for their fathers and brothers. Men here are treated on a higher level in most instances. From an early age they are taught how to clean, cook and do laundry. To most, this is their duty.

Now let us look at why these women are interested in older men. I can answer in one word, Security. An older man, especially a foreigner is living on a pension, investments and many times more than one. These men will come here, live in an apartment or house of better quality than where the women family lives. They will eat better quality foods, wear better quality clothes and have a better quality of life. Is this love? To everyone, love has a different definition. Love is a word of a feeling, an emotion; it has no real description except for how each person describes it for himself or herself.

Many times a girl’s parents will support their daughter to use an internet café and if needed, live in another city in a boarding house to be able to find a foreigner husband. The family will expect the girl’s boyfriend to assist in the support of her family.

Some women want a foreign husband and to leave the Philippines, some prefer to stay. Again, each has their own reasons. From what I have learned from discussing this with different people I have met, I feel women who grew up in deep poverty want to escape this country and never look back. On the other hand, women that grew up in a better environment look for the foreigner to move here and upscale their living.

Now I want to discuss the types of women men meet here. Most men are attracted to all young women you see on the street, in the malls and in the bars. Everywhere you go you see many young, beautiful and sexy women. In addition, many of these women are interested in an older foreigner as I mentioned above. Many times young women we know ask if I know of a single foreigner. Then they say if I do know of some, would I give him to them.

One man I know who has retired here was commenting that most of the young women he has met are mostly looking for him to take them out dancing, drinking or meals and never let the relationship escalate to a more intimate level. When he takes them out, they bring a group of friends and he ends up picking up the bill for the whole crowd. He plans to remain in the Philippines. He would marry a woman who is honestly looking for a long-term relationship and not someone to pay the bills for a night out on the town. He asked a group of us, how he could find such a woman. My thought on this matter is this; does he honestly think a female in her early twenties sees an overweight foreigner in his sixties and thinks, “Wow, what a man, I am in love.” In my mind, they see a man and if they feel there is some level of compatibility, she would be content to marry him and improve her life and maybe help support her family.

He also mentioned he would like a woman that has some higher education and her English is better to easily talk with her and have discussions. I told him this is something I have thought about after hearing this from many men visiting here in Davao. Most of the females with a higher education are employed. They work in an office or a mall. These jobs usually are long hours. Some malls employees work from opening to closing, which is usually 10am to 10pm. If a mall has a midnight sale, these sales people are working even longer hours. Many of these girls are from the Provinces and came to Davao for better job opportunities. They do not make a lot of money and usually share a boarding house room. However, they usually speak better English and have a friendly manor and a happier outlook on life. With the long hours, most of these females go home after work and have no energy or free time to hang out in a disco or bar.

Therefore, who are the females available to party all night, the unemployed? These are the women out there trying to find a “rich” foreigner. They enjoy the drinking and dancing and have learned how to play up to a perspective foreigner. For some this is a way to find a future partner and some it is a business with a few men they are involved with.

Now, my feelings have developed over time here and I realize with the poverty and the high unemployment, this is a way for females to survive. Even the business of GRO’s (General Recreation Officers), females that work the bars. Some are available for extras and some are just there for men to have someone to dance, drink and talk with. Even prostitution is a means for a female, or male to support their family when regular employment is difficult to obtain.

Now I know many of you have other thoughts on this subject and some of you who will tell me I am wrong. This is my opinion and view from living here and things I have notices and heard. I welcome other views and stories. I just ask all comments be respectful to this site, any other visitor’s comments and me.

I recently received and email. It was from someone who has a 70 year old friend who has had a stroke in the past and has some paralyzes. He lost most use of one hand and can only walk short distances. Online he met a 40 year old Filipina and now wants to sell everything and move here. He has not told the lady of his disabilities. I do not know what he has told her since I am relying on his friends email to me.

They ask me if this Filipina will accept a man in his conditions and will love and take care of him. There is no way I could honestly answer this question since I do not know the man or the lady.

Yes, Filipinos are a caring people and have no problems taking care of family even if it is part of the extended family. Is it love? If you look at olden time Europe and still in India there are/were arranged marriages. A father will arrange a marriage for a son or daughter. While thinking about this, I remember the song from “Fiddler on the Roof.”

In that movie Tevye the Milkman was talking to his wife and in a song asked his wife “Do you love me?” Each time he asked, she replied in song with that for 25 years she took care of him and listed how. He continued to ask and finally she answered “Do I love you? I guess I do.”

I feel in the beginning a woman looks at a foreigner man as a way to have a better and secure life. She will take care of his home, cook his meals, do his laundry, help him with life here and of course sleep with him and have sexual relations. Together she will learn his ways as a foreigner and she will teach him her way and the culture here. If all is well, in time real love will happen.

Now, I am not saying all women are good and want this, and I am not saying all women are out for a man’s money. There is no way of knowing. You need to take your time getting to know each other before making the decision.

As I have written in the past, Elena and I met online. We chatted and saw each other on cam. As we got to know each other better the frequency of meeting online increased. Eventually I wanted to meet her in person. I flew to Manila and flew here there too. We spent a week together. I then filed for a Fiancée Visa. Because of problems and delays it took time. I returned to the Philippines about a year later and visited her and her family for Christmas and New Years.

I returned again the following summer for 2 weeks and at that time Elena had her appointments in Manila for medical and visa interview. With the turn of the economy, I moved here before her visa was approved so we did not need it. During this time, Elena and I talked and saw each other every morning and evening every day online. We talked about our day, family and normal general things, so we got to know each other very well.

Even with all this contact, just as in any relationship, you never really know each other until you live together. There have been many learning experiences with Elena, our 3 nieces who live with us, their older brother and the rest of the family. There is the cultural difference, misunderstanding of common sayings and expressions and just habits.

When you first move here, with a tourist visa, you cannot open your own bank account. So what do you do? You open it in your ladies name. Do you want to put your money into an account of a lady you just met? A foreigner cannot own land. So maybe you want to buy a house. It has to be in her name. Do you want to put your life savings into a home that you can lose?

For anyone to meet someone online and develop a relationship, sell all their belongings and move to the Philippines, or anywhere in their country or around the world to me is totally crazy. What happens if you do this and it is a scam? You get off the plane and nobody is there to greet you. Or she walks off with your bank account or takes over your home. This can happen. In the Philippines, we are here with the permission of the Philippines. This permission can be easily taken away. Also if a Filipina wants to rip off a foreigner, who is there to help him? All a lady has to do is scream she was abused and she wins under the law protecting Women and Children. There are no laws to protect the foreigner. Many say there has never been a court case between a Filipino and a Foreigner and the Foreigner wins. I do not know that for a fact.

Back to the man I started this article about. He has some good friends in America that cares about him. I hope they help him understand the danger of his plans.

It was the year 2004, I had been single for years and not much in the dating scene. I was 51 years old and no luck in meeting the right lady in Florida.

In the States most of the available single women available for a man in his 50’s would be in the mid 40’s on the younger range. They would have been married at least once, had a home, a job and a few kids. The best description about American Woman thoughts about a relationship was best described by a friend when I asked her when she would marry her boyfriend.  They were in a relationship for a few years, loved each other and he would spend some nights at her house. When I asked, she replied “How will marrying him make my life better.

Also, and I am not trying to insult ladies, but many women in my dating age range had, what can I say, either heavier than I desire, too independent, looking for a man with a higher standard of living, or someone to fix their financial problems. I know, not all women are like that, but where I lived and the women I met feel into those categories.

I tried again the dating sites of American ladies. In my profiles I used a recent photo and honest descriptions of myself, my stats, my interests and general financial position. I have always believed, you start a relationship with lies, it ends in insults. Unfortunately the ladies that contacted me or replied to my interest were not what I was interested in meeting. Many times, if I met the lady, her photo was 10 years old and description did not match who she was really about. The first failure was a lady without a photo who had in her description that she was 5’-8’ and 135 lbs. For weeks we emailed, chatted online and then by phone. We finally met. She was about 5’-8” but so heavy I joked after that her right leg was 135 lbs.

At that time, I had a good job, made a good salary, but was tired of living alone without someone to love. Did I need a woman in my life? No. Did I want a woman in my life? Yes. I was thinking, I did not want to grow old alone.

I, like many, always thought of Asian ladies being exotic and beautiful. I also remembered years ago, there was a magazine, Cherry Blossoms. It was like a mail order bride catalog with descriptions, photos and contact ID #. For a fee you could mail the company a letter to a lady, they would attach a translation and forward it to the lady. Her reply would go the same in reverse. At the time, I never used their service, but when I started thinking of finding an Asian lady, I remembered the name and realized with the age of the internet, they might have a website.

Sure enough they did and I browsed through the profiles in the site. Thinking I was going to eventually bring my chosen lady to America, I wanted a lady in the 30-45 range, experience in working and understanding of English.

I joined, paid my fee and started writing my profile. I have always been open and honest so I told the truth about me and posted a recent photo. The next morning I found over 100 emails in the sites mailbox. They were from ladies 18 to 60. Some even told me they were in love with me and ready to come to America to marry me. This scared me, how can a lady who has never seen me, chatted with me, talked to me, be in love with me.

On the site they had a feature where you could see who was online and you could chat with them. I would look through the list and if I saw a photo of someone I thought was pretty, I would click and invite to chat. Once chatting, most would invite to chat on Yahoo IM. Many had web cams so we could see each other too.

At first it was ladies from China and Thailand. There were a few I thought I liked and they would answer in English. Then one day I noticed something that looked like a calculator in their hand. I asked what it was and was informed it was a translator. They would type in my message and it would translate it into their language. I then would ask when I started chatting if they were able to talk in English. Most said no. I could not understand how you could meet a lady to eventually marry if you could not communicate without a translation device. It was then I realized to focus my search with Filipinas.

Next I will write about how I focused on ladies from the Philippines and how I met Elena.