BTW, Bruce, I wonder if you would not mind to write about your experiences from earlier in your marriage with you Pinay wife…
It would be nice to compare the notes.
Myself, I have been married to my wife for just 2 years now, thereof, we are still considered newlyweds.
There are so many, by themselves very insignificant things we are going trough day by day in our life together that have to do with our cultural differences, which is totally different from what I have experienced with white ladies before…
For example, sometimes I joke with my wife that she has no sense of humor, does not understand sarcasm. Also from time to time, when I comment on something and forget about it next second she remains upset about it for 2 days because she takes everything personally.

With humor, we make jokes or joke about things with words that sound the same or with different words with the same meanings.  For instance, a child’s joke: What is black and white and read (red) all over?” There are two answers, “A newspaper” which is black (print), White (paper) and read all over (by many people). The second answer is “an Embarrassed Zebra” Since a zebra is black and white and red all over from embarrassment (blushing).

The problem is many Filipinos, even if they speak English well, in many cases translate the English to their language and the try to understand the meaning. Unfortunately, most of the humor gets lost in translation. Even when you explain the reason for the humor, it is still lost on them.

From what I have learned, many Filipino jokes are based on someone’s mistake in language. There was a lot of laughing and repeating when a politician won his election and was quoted saying “I told you I would win by a mudslide” where he meant landslide.

Another problem here with language and understanding is many Filipinos are insecure with their use of English. Because of this, they feel insulted easily if they hear an American expression, where it is just an expression in American English. Sarcasm is taken as an insult and like most women; they let being upset to fester for days. Their feelings are hurt and they will make you suffer for hurting them.

Once day I was upset with my wife and commented to her “you are a pain in the ass.” Well she was so upset; she would not talk to me. During this point, we were driving to an English friend’s restaurant for lunch.  While there, our friends asked what the problem was since he saw the tension between us.  One of mentioned my use of the expression.  He calmly explained to Elena what the expression meant and that it is just an expression to let off steam. Good thing he explained and Elena understood. Now we joke with it. I now say, “You are a pain in the ass, but you’re my pain in the ass” showing I love her and she is mine.

Something else we do not realize, with all the poverty and difficult life in the Philippines, Filipinos are a proud people and do not like outsiders to be insulting to their country and way of life. They know the problems, but they have resigned to the fact that these problems will not change and this is how life is here.

Another problem is as a foreigner in their country and at times, we generalize about the country or the people. This is insulting to most Filipinos, even if they agree with you. In anger or when upset many foreigners will say, “You Filipinos are this, or that.” In addition, they will be upset because you are saying all, not some or most.  It is the same when we are overcharged and they tell you, “Well Sir, you’re a Rich American.” Many Filipinos think all Americans or Foreigners are wealthy and can afford the higher price.

Now, this reader mentioned how he will make a comment, he will forget it in a few seconds, and his wife would stay mad for days. I am curious, if he was ever married to an American woman. Is this attitude ever different? Men typically let off steam and then forget it, women will remember and remind you of things you have done wrong for years. Another old joke is “What does an elephant and a wife have in common? They both never forget.”

Unfortunately, for this reader and many others who have a Filipina wife in their home country, the wife will find and associate with other Filipinos. With this, they never fully immerse themselves in the English language. Many times, they will purchase an extended cable package so their wife can watch TV from the Philippines.

When I was originally planning to bring Elena to America, I mentioned to her, once she arrived and were settled, I was going to have her attend an advanced ESL (English as a Second Language) course and also have her read English newspapers and read books to better immerse her in the language.

The two areas the comments was the Filipino sense of humor or lack of any in the way we joke or tell jokes. The other area, which there was a few comments, was the language problem and communication.

Marcel, who lives in Canada, mentioned that his Filipina wife, when she has another Filipino at their home would talk in Tagalog.

Steve, who now lives here in Davao with his Filipina wife and 5-year-old daughter, mentions when there are Filipino visitors in their home, his wife will have conversations in Bisaya ignoring the fact he is there.

Ian, who also lives in Davao, has the same problem.

For me, it is the same. I live with my wife and three nieces. Currently our nephew is home from his Marine Engineering job and is here with his girlfriend. Unless someone is talking to me, Bisaya is used extensively. When I ask what they are talking about, I am usually told something vague. Or “it is nothing.”

When I ask a question, I get a one or two word answer such as “OK”, “maybe”, or such. When I complain, I am often told, “we are not in America, you are in the Philippines.” With all the talk of the respect Filipinos have for elders, it does not apply if it directly affects them.

My nieces are either attending, or has graduated college for nursing. They have had English in school for many years. They can read English and can write their reports in college in English too. They watch English movies and TV shows. However, with this knowledge, they will not use it in front of me. To me, they will not use the energy to think and talk to me.

This is not just in my home; it is in most mixed marriages here. I know, it is their country, their language and we chose to move here. To me it is interesting; when I visited here before my move, most would talk to me. Now I am here, it is over.

If you move here and just live with your partner, there is not much choice, but if her friends or family visit, or if you hire a domestic helper or if family members move in the use of English will diminish greatly.

Now some readers express their interest of learning the local language. If you choose Bisaya/Cebuano, you will understand the language most here speak, but what about local TV. Most TV shows are in Tagalog. I sometimes wonder, if the communication is to keep us out of the loop or just because they are not willing to communicate in English around us. What if you learn Bisaya and then visitors speak Tagalog, you are in the dark again.

I know there is an inherent shyness from Filipinos talking in English. They are afraid their pronunciation might have errors or they do not speak clearly. I will tell friends and family to try. If they cannot find one word to express a thought, we can find the word. I am patient; I just want to see them try to communicate with me.
Because of this isolation and from what I have heard others in the same situation, many expats spend much of their time at home in the bedroom. Most have a TV in there and their computer.  I know of one expat that eats his meals in his bedroom too. I eat with the family, but the only English spoken at the table is from me.

For me, this situation is moot. I cannot change what has been since I moved here. If you are moving here to live with a Filipina, either a wife that has been in the states or someone you plan to marry here, try to make this problem understood. It might end the plans, but if you cannot accept this life, it might end because of it.

I am hoping in the future when my nieces go abroad to work, or marry and move out of the home, things will change. I also have lived an isolated life in my past so I am used to it. I do notice I am out of the house during the day more than in the past so I can be with friends and be able to have conversations.

I joked with Steve via email about his Christmas Day, with family there, how much English he heard during the day. In response Steve wrote another interesting article about now living in the Philippines.

Speak English to me! by Steve in Davao

Bruce emailed me the other day with this question. “I wonder once your daughter learns Bisayan and uses it on a daily basis and now your wife is back in her element, how much English you will hear.” He also asked if I hear many complete English sentences spoken in my house. It doesn’t sound like a real hard question, but it did set me to thinking.

The question actually cracked me up. I found it a rather funny question, and at the same time, a little disquieting, almost a plea for help (or at least a good conversation). I have only been here a short time and already I “get it”. Between my wife, her niece, who lives with us and my sister-in-law, who lives down the street, I rarely do hear full English sentences spoken in my house. To complicate things further, my brother-in-law is Japanese and we find ourselves hanging around his friends a lot. They are a great bunch of people and we enjoy being with them, but the language barrier does exist. Luckily, my 5 year old speaks good ole’ American English, but, a conversation with a five year old does have its limits. I do worry that she will start to lose her English over time.

I had not given a lot of thought to the language barrier until Bruce asked me about it. He mentioned that my daughter would soon be learning the Bisayan language and I would become even more isolated. He’s right! I will hear less and less English spoken as time goes by. I think that is why he asked the question. He is already feeling the effects of being a little isolated by language, you can only be the outsider on so many conversations, and you start to feel left out. Maybe I need to cultivate some new friendships between the English speaking population here in Davao. I already have plans to meet Bruce and Elena after the holidays. I think we will hit it off and we will become friends.

Note: My wife calls all non-Filipino looking people “Americans”. She said that includes all European or European descent, including Americans, African-Americans, Australians and just about all foreigners. So please bear with me if you’re not an American, but fit into her broad definition.

One observation I would like to get some opinions on. Have you noticed that most “Americans” you see, do not make eye contact and generally ignore each other? Am I mistaken on this or what? I actually stopped a Canadian family in a grocery store recently just to chat and they seemed a little taken back at first. We had a nice chat and enjoyed the conversation, but that was it. I have smiled and made eye contact with many “Americans” here, but most just look away and go about their business. I would have thought that we English speakers would seek each other out for conversation and possible friendship. I think I am starting to get a complex.

I once read an article in this forum that mentioned numerous organizations here, made up of expat’s. Expat and Foreigner Relationships in the Philippines
was the name of the article and you can read it under Bruce’s heading “culture”. Maybe that’s part of my reaching out to Bruce and Elena for friendship. Bruce might, in turn, be able to introduce me to other expat’s. I do not know how I pictured the expat community prior to coming here. I have not been here that long, but so far, I am not feeling very welcome. Is that only the impression of a newbie who has not given Davao a chance or are people that tight with their friendship? Let me know your thoughts on this.

Anyway, the longer I live here, the more Filipino, Japanese, Chinese and other languages I will hear and probably less and less English. That is not a problem because I don’t think I will “lose” my English, but I just might start to feel a little isolated at times.
In the meantime, anyone who wants a new friend, I speak English and I‘m available! ….Ha-ha!
Steve in Davao

In the beginning, I would get upset or try to correct my wife, but over time, you just get used to it and eventually use it as Filipinos do.

Some examples are or usage:
Motor = Motorcycle
Traffic = A lot of traffic i.e. Wow, there is traffic!
Jeep = Jeepney (a large public transportation vehicle)
O O = yes (not oh oh, when you break something)

There is also shortening of names.
Elena is often called Len
Maracheu is called Chu
Mercy is called Mer

Then there are nicknames, and I have no idea where they come from. I worked with a man who when we meet told me, “My name is Constancio, but you can call me Pongs.”

I have three nieces, Meriliza, Monaliza and Rizilina. Their nicknames are Inday, Nene and Enen respectively. There are many common nicknames here, Bing, Bong, to name a few. Then there are nicknames with double words, such as Bibi, Joy Joy, Mer Mer, Dodo, Dondon.

There are names I think are different from what we know as names such as Love, Shalom, Beauty, Lady. I met a man whose name was Jocelyn.

If you calling out to someone you do not know their name, such as a clerk, for a guy you call him Dong. If a man wants to call attention to a female clerk, he will call out Dai, a lady will call out Darling.

Another thing with names is respect for a licensed profession, their title and name will be used. If your close to the person you might use first name and if not their last name. Examples are Architect Neal, Doctor Richard, Engineer Ray, and Attorney Mecado.

As a foreigner and senior in age to many I meet, I am usually called Sir Bruce. When I tell them they can just call me Bruce I am usually told “Oh no, you are to be respected”, or when I worked in an office here “you have a higher position.”

Here in the Philippines, a younger sibling, family member or even meeting a small child, the younger person is to show respect by “Blessing”. They will take the back of your right hand and touch it to their forehead. My nieces and nephews do that to me when I enter either the house, or when they enter. One of my nieces gives “Blessing” when I leave or meet her when out.

This morning at the Wet Market, while waiting for my wife, I was chatting to the grandparents with a little girl, as they were to walk away, the grandfather said to the little girl “Give Blessing”. She took my right hand and touched her forehead. I thanked her and thought how nice they were teaching her respect. I had never met these people before.

Another sign of respect is when I am outside the mall having a cigarette and start a conversation, if the person needs to leave; they wait until you have finished what you are saying and then apologize that they need to go.

These are some of the things that at first feel strange, but over time, you get used to as part of your life. As I always say, the culture here is different, but it is their country and it is us that have to learn to live and respect their ways of life.

Now some years ago, the government decided to standardize the languages and come up with an official national language. This new language was to be called Filipino. Well since the government is in Manila and the local language is Tagalog, Filipino is about 90% Tagalog.

Now back to Taglish. As you listen to Filipinos talk, no matter which language/dialect they use, you will hear English words or even complete sentences in English, then back to their language. When you watch TV and see the politicians in session in Congress or the President talking you will hear English words used. I have asked if it might be there is no word in Tagalog for the English word they used and I am told there is, they just are speaking Taglish.

Something I realized and was funny to me, I was sitting with the family as they watched a soap opera. As the actors are talking Tagalog, many English words were used. The funny part was when I realized this is a show where the actors are speaking from a script. And the writers use English words while writing dialog.
While writing, I decided to carry this further and spoke to one of my nieces who enjoys reading novels. I asked her if she reads novels in Tagalog. She said of course. I then asked if there are English words mixed in with the Tagalog words in the novels and she said yes.

With all this, I think jokingly that Taglish should be the national language.

Some of her family just as with many Filipinos who had learned English in school, but had no need to use it since had forgotten much of it. Most of this part of the family live in areas outside of Davao. In our home, most of the time, unless I am to be included in a conversation, the household speaks in Bisaya. It is not just in my home, I hear of this in many homes of Expats. I have heard of some families that try to use English, even if difficult to make the foreigner feel comfortable, but I hear less of this then more.

Then with the inherent shyness of many Filipinos, many can read, write and understand English but are too shy to use it. I know my nieces are strong in written communication in English, I have seen their papers written for college. Sometimes the grammar is a little weak, but their sentences convey their thoughts well. When I try to talk with them, they get shy because their fear of pronunciation errors.

In the past, I was told at their college, University of Mindanao, was a school where English was used by the teachers and the students except in classes of Filipino, which is the official national language. Filipino is practically the same as Tagalog. While talking to my nieces, they told me most teachers speak Tagalog and Bisaya while teaching classes and even if a teacher is using English, many will not force the students to use English in their classes.

With the fear of being rude, many times if an English speaking person is talking to a Filipino, and is not being understood, the Filipino will smile and say “OK” without letting the other know they are not understood.

Yes, we live in a country where there are many native languages. There are over 70 languages or as they call them dialects used in this country. English is in some thoughts not needed in the Philippines and others feel with the international business dealings and the increase of Call Centers and many wanting to work abroad that English are needed. Many newspapers and even government forms, instructions and signage are in English too.

Now there are people that learning a second language comes easy, and others who have trouble. Also the older you get, the harder it is to learn a new language. I am part of the second group. Even in school, I had trouble learning a foreign language. There is one person I know who has hired a teacher and has been learning Bisaya for around two years. Many of my readers know of this person, it is Bob Martin of Living in the Philippines Webzine. He enjoys the freedom it gives him and the ability to talk to practically everyone in Davao and other areas that use Bisaya/Cebuano.

I do not know, but someday I might build up the courage to try to learn either Bisaya or Tagalog. I think of learning Bisaya since it is the most used language in the Philippines and is the language of Davao. On the other hand, if I learn Tagalog, I will be able to understand most television shows and it is a language most Filipinos know.

Now with what I have written, you need to realize, if you plan to relocate here in the Philippines and have the need to feel part of conversations with family or with your partner out in the community, you might think about starting a language course. Even if your partner or family speak English in the home, there will be many times out in the community where you will be standing there as your wife/partner is chatting away in something other for a while and when you ask what transpired, you get a few sentences or explanation or just a short “It is OK, it does not matter” response.

Our helper is working out better than I expected. She works hard, is friendly and sociable and even will joke with me.  While at home on her day off, she still does household chores. Since she does not have friends, our nieces will allow her to join them if they go out on a Sunday and will take her to church with them.

Of the three helpers for my Elena’s friends, one did not work out and returned to her Province this week. This girl was only 16 and did not have the attitude to work away from home. From what I heard, the first few days had to be directed constantly and would walk around like in a daze looking at everything. We also found out after, she only attended elementary school and only spoke Bisaya and not much Tagalog. Unfortunately the lady that hired her is not from Davao and is from Luzon. This lady speaks Tagalog. Since the helper did not finish school, her knowledge of Tagalog was very little. Also this girl’s hygiene was bad and had to be told to do her own laundry.

After she was gone, we heard this girl came from a bad family and had run away from home in the past. She also was now homesick and missed her free life with her friends, family and even a boyfriend. As in any employment situation, you never know if someone hired will work out, it does become more difficult if the person is not local and you do not have the luxury of interviewing the person before they make the trip. Then if they do not work out, besides the cost of the travel here, you have to cover the costs of their return trip.

The friend of ours that hired her was very gracious and understanding. Even though she was unhappy with the girl, she never complained to us about the waste or time and the cost of the girl. This proves again of the kindness of Filipinos. In the US, we would complain and argue about how we would have wasted our money in a situation like this.

He or She
There is also a language difference even when Filipinos speak in English. One thing that causes confusion is “He” and “She”. When a Filipino is talking about a person they will use he in the sentence and later say she. When you ask who the other person involved, they will say, no it is just the one person.

Then there are directions to somewhere. In America you will say something like, 2 miles away, the next street on name the town, city or state. Here a usual response is “over there”. Over there can be across the street or the next city.
Maybe
In the states, you usually will use maybe in a sentence if you have an educated guess. For instance, you are at work and a co-worker mentions he had trouble with his car starting that morning. The next day he does not show up for work. If anyone asks if you know where the co-worker is, you will reply “maybe his car could not start.”
Here, if you ask a question to a Filipino and they have no idea of the answer; they will say maybe and inject anything. For instance, someone mentions their TV does not work. They say nothing more than that, someone might look up and say, maybe it is the power supply.

There is non verbal talking here too. A raise of an eyebrow means yes, or I understand. Unfortunately if you’re not looking at their face, or look away for a moment, you never saw their answer.

Instead of pointing with a finger, Filipinos will point with their lips like a kissing motion.

As Bob Martin in his Web Magazine, Live in the Philippines discusses in a new series of articles about SIR (Smooth Interpersonal Relations) and Ulaw (shame, loss of face) there are frustrating times interacting with younger Filipinos.

Elena and I have 3 nieces living with us. They are all in nursing school and are ages of 22, 20 and 18. As in most western families, we are used to conversations at dinner or when sitting around the house. Here when we eat there is silence except if I ask a question. And then all that is said is to answer. There are no conversations. Once I get up and leave the room conversation usually starts up.

All the girls know English, but will not use it unless it is directed to me. Even if I am in the room and they are talking to each other, they talk in Bisaya or else they wait until I leave the room.

When you talk to them about it, they do not understand your feelings or need to know them better.

A lot of times when you’re out, a clerk, waitress, waiter or others you meet in the course of the day will speak in English to you until your companion asks something in Bisaya, then the other person changes to Bisaya and responds to questions or responses in Bisaya leaving you out of the conversation.

Now I understand there are many who have limited knowledge of English, but even the more fluent will do the same.

One of the reasons I looked for a Filipino wife and not a lady from China, Japan, Thailand, or one of the other Asian countries was that English is taught here in schools.

When you travel around town, you will see 99% of store signs in English. The government and road signs are in English and so are most of the newspapers.

I know I was guilty in America feeling that if you move to America, you should know English and I am living in a country where English is not their language, but since most have learned English in school, you usually know Filipinos who speak English with some confidence.

I also have difficulty learning languages as was proved to me in grade school where I was close to failing the second time taking Spanish.

Foods and Meals

In America we are used to different foods for each meal. Breakfast is usually light, juice, cereals, eggs and/or toast. Lunches are usually a sandwich, a salad or a smaller portion meal plate. Dinners are a protein such as meat, poltry or fish with a vegetable and a starch as rice, potato or noodles.

Here most Filipinos will eat the same things no matter which meal and will almost always include rice. Also most foods are pan fried.

Beef and pork here can be tough and we use a pressure cookerer to make them more tender.

Also you will almost always see a small plate of soy sauce sometimes with a small hot pepper mashed into the sause to add some spice. Sometimes it will be vinegar.

In the States we use a fork to eat and a knife to cut and a spoon for liquids. Here most use a fork and spoon. The fork is to move foods together and the spoon is used to cut and to eat with.

Snacks in America will be sweets, a light item as chips or just a drink. Filipinos it is usually carbohydrates. They will even take pansit whish is a rice or what thin noodle and then make a sandwich of it. So it is carbs on carbs.

What do you think? Have you any common of different experiences. Please leave a comment and let me know.