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Dynamics of Filipina/Foreigner Relationships

The subject of the dynamics and attitudes of relationships between Filipinas and Expats is something I have thought about writing for a while but was not sure how to approach the subject.

There are differences in all relationships no matter if you are from the same country, same culture, same racial background, same age range or any mix of them. Here you mostly see older retired men with young women. It is not just expat men, even many times you see older Filipinos with young women on their arm.

Here in the Philippines there is much poverty. Many families barely can afford a bowl of rice a day. Many employed Filipinos earn so little income it is difficult to feed and clothe their families.  In the Provinces there is even less opportunities to earn a living. Because of this, many young people come to the cities to look for employment. However, the cities are so over populated; the competition for jobs is huge. Because of this, many families encourage their daughters to seek relationships with men from foreign countries on the internet or through friendships with Filipinas already involved in a relationship with a Foreigner.

Because many men from around the world find a strong attraction to Asian women and since English is spoken here to some degree by, most Filipinos women from the Philippines are very desirable.

There are different ways and reasons foreign men find Filipinas, enter into some form of relationship, and come to the Philippines. Some meet Filipinas in their home country and visit or move to the Philippines after retirement. Some meet a woman on line with the intention of bringing them back to their home country and come here to meet in person and some men move here after retirement to marry a woman they met online or to just play the dating game once they move here.

Now let us discuss a little about the age differences. On one forum site I saw a lot of activity of men bragging how much younger their wife was than their age. I wanted to joke and say my wife is so young, she has not been born yet. OK, it is a fact you see many men in their sixties with women in the early to mid twenties. These men will talk about how well their wife or girlfriend takes care of them. Their women cook, clean and do their laundry. The Filipinas take care of every need the man has and I am not talking about intimate details. The thing is, Filipinas are raised doing these things for their fathers and brothers. Men here are treated on a higher level in most instances. From an early age they are taught how to clean, cook and do laundry. To most, this is their duty.

Now let us look at why these women are interested in older men. I can answer in one word, Security. An older man, especially a foreigner is living on a pension, investments and many times more than one. These men will come here, live in an apartment or house of better quality than where the women family lives. They will eat better quality foods, wear better quality clothes and have a better quality of life. Is this love? To everyone, love has a different definition. Love is a word of a feeling, an emotion; it has no real description except for how each person describes it for himself or herself.

Many times a girl’s parents will support their daughter to use an internet café and if needed, live in another city in a boarding house to be able to find a foreigner husband. The family will expect the girl’s boyfriend to assist in the support of her family.

Some women want a foreign husband and to leave the Philippines, some prefer to stay. Again, each has their own reasons. From what I have learned from discussing this with different people I have met, I feel women who grew up in deep poverty want to escape this country and never look back. On the other hand, women that grew up in a better environment look for the foreigner to move here and upscale their living.

Now I want to discuss the types of women men meet here. Most men are attracted to all young women you see on the street, in the malls and in the bars. Everywhere you go you see many young, beautiful and sexy women. In addition, many of these women are interested in an older foreigner as I mentioned above. Many times young women we know ask if I know of a single foreigner. Then they say if I do know of some, would I give him to them.

One man I know who has retired here was commenting that most of the young women he has met are mostly looking for him to take them out dancing, drinking or meals and never let the relationship escalate to a more intimate level. When he takes them out, they bring a group of friends and he ends up picking up the bill for the whole crowd. He plans to remain in the Philippines. He would marry a woman who is honestly looking for a long-term relationship and not someone to pay the bills for a night out on the town. He asked a group of us, how he could find such a woman. My thought on this matter is this; does he honestly think a female in her early twenties sees an overweight foreigner in his sixties and thinks, “Wow, what a man, I am in love.” In my mind, they see a man and if they feel there is some level of compatibility, she would be content to marry him and improve her life and maybe help support her family.

He also mentioned he would like a woman that has some higher education and her English is better to easily talk with her and have discussions. I told him this is something I have thought about after hearing this from many men visiting here in Davao. Most of the females with a higher education are employed. They work in an office or a mall. These jobs usually are long hours. Some malls employees work from opening to closing, which is usually 10am to 10pm. If a mall has a midnight sale, these sales people are working even longer hours. Many of these girls are from the Provinces and came to Davao for better job opportunities. They do not make a lot of money and usually share a boarding house room. However, they usually speak better English and have a friendly manor and a happier outlook on life. With the long hours, most of these females go home after work and have no energy or free time to hang out in a disco or bar.

Therefore, who are the females available to party all night, the unemployed? These are the women out there trying to find a “rich” foreigner. They enjoy the drinking and dancing and have learned how to play up to a perspective foreigner. For some this is a way to find a future partner and some it is a business with a few men they are involved with.

Now, my feelings have developed over time here and I realize with the poverty and the high unemployment, this is a way for females to survive. Even the business of GRO’s (General Recreation Officers), females that work the bars. Some are available for extras and some are just there for men to have someone to dance, drink and talk with. Even prostitution is a means for a female, or male to support their family when regular employment is difficult to obtain.

Now I know many of you have other thoughts on this subject and some of you who will tell me I am wrong. This is my opinion and view from living here and things I have notices and heard. I welcome other views and stories. I just ask all comments be respectful to this site, any other visitor’s comments and me.

129 Responses to “Dynamics of Filipina/Foreigner Relationships”

  1. Ben says:

    Bruce:

    You have learned a thing or two living there in Davao. I agree with pretty-much everything you said. I count myself fortunate that I was able to find a Filipina lady (MaryAnn) who actually wanted to get “married” and “settle down”. She had seen and experienced enough of the hardship living all her live in the Philippines. She already had a college education before I met her, but it was of little use to her there in the Province where she lived. The Big cities didn’t interest her.
    I was introduced to her in 2005, through a friend of mine and his Filipina wife who were living here in the States. I met her January 2006. After spending sometime with her and her family, I felt deeply confident that she was the lady for me. She was thankful for the little things. She didn’t drink, she didn’t like dancing, and she didn’t use foul language. I could tell that her good behavior, both verbally and physical, were habitual. She didn’t have to pretend to be a nice person. It was obvious to me that she practiced what she had always lived.
    January 2007, she arrived here in Kentucky, USA, and seven days later we married. And we have never been happier. A few days after we were married, she told me she wanted to go to school to improve her English—and later find employment. She had always dreamed of being a nurse, and her heart was set on becoming one. During these two short years: she attended school, worked part-time at the local laundry, and is now a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant), and works at the local hospital here. She is presently attending school part-time to become an LPN—and from there she hopes to become an RN. She doesn’t have to work. She works because she wants to.
    She and I have an agreement: we will help her parents as we see the need. Her parents have never insisted nor demanded that we help them. We help them because we want to.

    Sadly, some foreigners seem compelled to have to brag about having a “young” Filipina. Personally, I think men who have to “brag” have some kind of inferiority complex. They give no thought to the embarrassment they cause for their Filipina lady by saying such words. I’m not ashamed to admit that MaryAnn is nineteen-years younger than me—but I don’t go-round bragging about it. I am blessed to have such loving and caring wife—and I thank God everyday for her.

    • Bruce says:

      Ben,
      I thank you for your comment and description of your relationship. As I said, this is my views on the subject. In the past I have written about how I met Elena, my wife and how wonderful she is to me and also how her family has helped us survive here.

      I had planned originally to bring Elena to the States. Then the housing crunch hit which was the beginning of this whole financial crisis that is still hurting many people in America and around the world.

      At that time, Elena told me I should just move to the Philippines and we could survive well even with my limited savings. I could have never survived her without her and cound not even imagine doing so without her by my side.

    • Martine says:

      Hello Bruce
      I am Martine from France. I hope you remember me. We met us in Davao in your friend’s house.
      I need your help Bruce ? Do you accept to help me ?

  2. Marcel says:

    Hi Bruce,

    this is a hot topic frequently discussed among men dating or married to Filipinas. Personally, I have a very mixed feelings seeing 20 something Pinay girls married to 60-70 old guy. Most of you will strongly disagree with me, I am sure, but sometime it felt very unnatural to see barely 20 year old girl going trough shopping malls in Philippines with a man who is close to his grave. I do understand, there are benefits on both sides. Woman will be taken care of and a man will get a woman he could only dream about back home. I just wonder what will happen to these girls after couple of years when a man is gone (unless she can continue to collect his pension for a long time). There will we be a lot of young widows in their 20’s or 30’s, perhaps with kids and with a little hope to remarry. For a man, is it just about sexual attractiveness or is he looking for a true partner in life? For me, 20 year old girl is not emotionally or mentally compatible partner and that is my personal experience.

    I am 40, currently living in Canada (English is my 2nd language) and after my first failed marriage with Caucasian woman I have dated many ladies. At first Caucasian, but after getting fed up with attitudes of North American women, I have switched to Asian woman completely, to whom I have always been attracted to anyway. There was a very noticeable difference in attitudes of Asian woman towards men, however these women grew-up here and adopted many western “qualities” already. Younger ones were mostly interested in going out to clubs or shopping malls and these are activities I don’t find very appealing at my age. Then I have met Filipina in her mid twenties who arrived to Canada less then a year ago and she blew me away. She held all female qualities that western women lost long ago. Our relationship lasted a lot longer compared to previous ones with women I have dated before her; however, it did not work out since could not see myself to be married with her unfortunately. Because of her young age, she behaved quite immaturely which made her to fun to be with (but only initially) and since she grew up in a province her general knowledge was very lacking. In the end it felt like I would have to guide her all our life together as if she was my daughter, which is something I was not looking in a partner. She left such a lasting impression however, that made me to look for Pinay spouse exclusively.

    Finally, I have expanded my search to Filipino dating sites and ended up communicating with hundreds of woman which was quite overwhelming. It felt like I have experienced them all, genuine or con-artists, very young or mature, girls that were looking for a true love and also girls hunting for someone to take them out of their misery and support them and their families. At first, with such a volume of beautiful and young girls it felt very tempting to go with youngest and prettiest girl that one could only dream about here but very soon their immaturity and significant lack of education in many cases proved that they had no potential to become my equal partner in Canada eventually. To make a story that is getting too long already shorter, I have ended up hitting it of with a beautiful young lady from Davao who is only 7 years younger, matured, university educated with a full time job in call center (good English) and running her travel agency business at the same time. I made it clear that there will be no money going to Philippines, except when her parents get really old and cannot support themselves anymore and she fully agreed with my right from the beginning. Currently, she is in Canada with me, studying to become a nurse and being a wonderful spouse I was looking for.

    • Bruce says:

      Marcel,

      Thank you for your long story. It does show a lot of qualities you have and the qualities your wife has. About support after death, that is a problem. If the man is American and his wife has never lived in the states, she has no way to claim survivor benefits from the American Social Security System. A woman must live in the States for minimum six months to qualify.
      I do wonder of all the Expats here who are married to a Filipina, are they doing anything for a savings or investment to protect their wife after their passing.

  3. Steve in Davao says:

    Ben, you stated the facts as you see them and I couldn’t agree more. Your story is almost identical to mine. I met Annie on line and we talked and exchanged photos for seven months before I came here to meet her and her family. She came to the U.S. and we were married 9 days later. Annie is 19 years younger than me and we have a beautiful 5 year old daughter. Annie already spoke very good English and has a B.A. in Banking and Commerce. She worked (didn’t have too) and went to school to be a Certified Nurses Aid and enjoyed working in a hospital.
    Annie’s father worked in China to put her thru school. Annie worked in Davao and was the bread winner in her family with an income of about $100 U.S. dollars a month. When she married me, her parents lost the bulk of their income and yet never said a word. Of course we realized this and have sent the equivalent amount or more when we know there’s a need. We even joked that “Annie” has gotten a few pay raises thru the years. Her parents NEVER asked for money and still do not ask.
    After we first met on line, I sent her $500 (a small amount by American standards, at the time I didn’t know it was such a large amount here!) so she could spend a bit more time at the internet café talking to me. Man was that a mistake. She immediately called me crying and said, “I never asked you for money!” She was insulted and embarrassed. She told me “I’m not THAT kind of girl”. I didn’t understand the culture and the implications of her receiving money from me. After some discussion and my apologies, we finally agreed that she would keep the money and use it to pay for her younger brothers’ college tuition. I later found out her parents questioned her about asking for money. Man, did I screw that one up.
    After six years of marriage, we now live here, in Davao. Our daughter is being raised in the traditions of her mother’s people (which I find very refreshing). She attends an excellent school and is adjusting well. My wife, Annie, is going back to school and will get her B.A. in nursing. We are using the Philippines to help us get the things we want, school for our daughter (without the pressures of being “politically correct” i.e.… she can pray in school and no “sex” education or condoms for 6 year olds as they do in the U.S.), college for my wife at 1/3rd the cost of the U.S and cheap living for the time we are here. When she graduates we will return to the states and my wife will continue with her career in nursing.
    I think your experience and Bruce’s view show two different sides of the same coin. Both married wonderful ladies and found happiness. Not everyone will walk in my foot prints. All of us use different avenues to come to the Philippines. Hopefully, most of us will have happy endings.
    Are there predators out there? Yes there are. Every society has them and third world countries seem to attract them. Whether they’re younger guys looking for cheap thrills or older guys just trying to live out a fantasy doesn’t change the fact that these girls are just trying to survive. I’m an optimist and truly believe that there are more good guys than bad guys out there. I’m not an exceptionally great looking guy, but my wife thinks I’m her handsome. She’s my beauty and after six years of marriage we still keep the fire going…and that’s good enough for this guy!
    Good luck to all! The right girls out there, all you have to do is find her!
    Good article Bruce, keep’em coming.
    Steve in Davao

    • Bruce says:

      Steve,

      I do not try to be judgmental to others, they have their reasons for the ladies they chose and the life they lead. What I was trying to describe is the reasons and types of ladies available and for others to open their eyes to know the possibilities out there. It is a poor society and some people have to find a way to survive. As an expat here, regardless of what type of lady they want, to understand the ladies reason for dating, and to be aware of what to look out for.

  4. Seth says:

    Bruce,

    I am glad to see that you have once again stated your honest opinion on such a touchy subject. My wife is only 6 years younger then me, but I was approached my some that were 20 years younger. Now as for my wonderful wife, she made it very clear that she was not looking for a “rich” man to take her away from her country. She was from Davao and has two college degrees and was very self sufficient. She comes from a somewhat prominent family and they had two automobiles. So it is easy to say she didnt need my money. Her family has never once asked us for money and have been supportive of us once they realized my sincerity. They accepted me and welcomed me as a person but I think there was some disappointment in their daughter falling for an American instead of a Filipino.
    My wife was determined not to marry a Filipino because she felt they were spoiled by their mothers. She still takes very good care of me, but does so because she wants to, not because it is expected of her. She also likes the fact that I am not afraid to step into the kitchen and cook. Her mother was shocked to find out that Spend alot of time cooking and at first she used to tell Gina that it is not good for me to cook all the time. Now I dont here so much about it, I am guessing they have come to accept the fact that as Americans we do things different then they do. I also dated many Caucasions after my divorce and got tired of the “western” attitude the women have picked up. I was always attracted to the Asian women for more then there looks. I have found that they were always mysterious and started doing research on them. The more I researched Asian cultures the more attracted I became with the Filipinas. They had the qualities that I was looking for in a wife, being very family oriented and willing to make sacrafice for the sake of family if needed. I have always believed that family came first.
    I am a very happy man these days with my lovely wife, Ginalyn, and we look forward to many many happy years together. Her parents are now talking about adding a second floor to their house so that we will not have to have a hotel when we visit with the grandson. We are planning to make a trip to Davao this year and I am so looking forward to some fresh Mangoes.
    Keep up with the honest commentaries and I will keep reading them. Thanks for your insight into living in Davao, a place that has captured my heart also.

    Seth

    • Bruce says:

      Seth,
      I am glad to hear of your wonderful wife and relationship. About the cooking, rarely an I allowed in the kitchen, Elena or one of our nieces will ask me what I need and do it for me. As for the part of being from a prominent family, this level feels thay have what they need and do not look for support. So love can prevail. y wife felt Filipino men cheat and can get lazy if their wife has a good income.
      I hope we can meet when you visit.

  5. Robert says:

    The comments about “westernized” attitudes hit home. As a Navy veteran from the Vie5tnam era, I spent a lot of time in the Philippines and fell in love with the people. When my marriage of 27 years fell apart, I never even looked at a Caucasian woman. I met a Filipina through a more classical introduction site. We wrote to each other for months, and I visited several times. She was significantly younger… how much is immaterial. Then I made a mistake…I brought her back to the US. It didn’t take her long to westernize and pick up all the worst traits of American women. The marriage only lasted six years, and when it was dissolved, her mother disowned her and I still have a standing invitation to visit whenever I am in the Philippines. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

    I have grown increasing dissatisfied with the way the US is going over the last year or so, and have decided its time to leave. No, I don’t have a girlfriend in the Philippines, but I am looking to immigrate there. Perhaps I will find a good woman, perhaps not – that is not my primary purpose. No, I will not “move in” with my ex-mother-in-law, but it I do have several friends in the Oroquieta area. I am looking forward to reacquainting myself with this lovely country and enjoying a less hectic pace to life.

    • Bruce says:

      Robert,
      I have heard about Filipinas becoming Americanized and either do not want to leave or will clean out her husbands savings and then leave him.
      It is good you do not have anger about the Philippines, just your ex marriage. If your ever in Davao, look me up.

  6. You done it! You popped my balloon! Now whom am I going to date me? Hahahaha! Just kidding Bruce. I’m no longer way near my twenties anyway. A lot of things that you said spoke truth of what’s really happening here in the Philippines, in the lives of the Filipino women and I’m thankful that you know how to put your words. If you touched a hot topic, I guess it’s because you’re a good observer of things.

    • Bruce says:

      Crayons,
      First you are a beautiful and intelligent lady and should have no problem finding a quality man, but I thought you already had one. Thank you for the support, I am surprised all my comments support my article and did not get a lot of controversy.

  7. maria says:

    bruce
    thanks for sharing your observance. i am filipina and i have lived in the u.s. for 32yrs out of my 39.
    last weekend while at a chinese buffet, my husband (he is white) and i were approached by a man who is going to marry a filipina. he admitted how jealous she was over him. he came across talking about it like he was “flattered” by it. and im thinking a jealous woman equals throbbing headaches and troubles. maybe you can write about filipina “protective” jealousies over “their” foreigner.

    maria

    • Bruce says:

      Maria,

      Since I am in the reversed situation, I do not know about Filipinas in America. If you would like to write a guest article about that subject, please email me your writing and I will post it for all to share. It would be nice to have articles to tell all how things are different and how Filipinas live as a wife to an American in America.

      • Billy Escobar says:

        I can give you some insight even though I’m not a Filipina woman. The same people that parade their young wives will have those wives parade and brag about their rich successful husbands. It’s a very vain and ‘keeping up with joneses”. Filipinos in American tend to like to show off once they get a bit of money. It’s ok to take pride in your achievments but when does it becomes jealousy and gossip, this is what is very annoying.
        This is not unique only to Filipinos but other “Americanized” “westernized” Europeanized cultures. They forget their humble beginnings and lose themselves to the “glamour”.

        • Bruce says:

          Billy,
          Yes, many older men with their “Trophy” wives, either from their own country or from a foreign land love to show off. To me it shows disrespect for their wives and demeans their existence. It is the same when they buy a new expensive car or house. They need to show off to make them feel superior. Then the wives get into the same game showing off how rich and well treated they are. I have never been into that game and hope I never will.

  8. Steve in Davao says:

    Bruce,
    You have the perspective of an American that lives here, but never with Elena in the U.S. and Ben has the perspective of an American, married to a Filipino, who has not lived here. Seems you both have, pretty much, come to the same conclusions (or perspective) after all is said and done. That was my intent. I hope you are not put off by the comments I make here. No harm is ever intended. My apologies, if I have offended anyone here.
    After meeting you and talking in length with you, I know that you are not the judgmental type. Keep your opinions coming and write from the same place you always have, as an “American in Davao!”
    You’re always a good read and you definitely helped prepare me for moving and living here. You always kept me thinking and I believe that has been your intent all along.
    Most people, who read you, know that you write opinion pieces, from an American who lives here, point of view. If feelings are hurt, then either they didn’t understand the honest intent of the piece or the article struck a nerve. Either way, they come back and read more.
    Steve in Davao

    • Bruce says:

      Steve,
      Thank you for the kind words. You have never insulted me and I always welcome your comments and articles. I have my opinions but try not to judge others.

  9. Marcel says:

    Robert,

    I hope not to offend if I comment on what you wrote:
    “She was significantly younger… how much is immaterial. Then I made a mistake…I brought her back to the US. It didn’t take her long to westernize and pick up all the worst traits of American women.”

    This is in line with my opinion, the girl was probably too young and immature compared to a woman that is closer to husbands age and therefore more set in her “good” ways that we all love so much about Filipinas.
    Why would young attractive girl stick to old fart (don’t take it personally) in western country, when she is not merely trying to survive anymore but has a lot of better looking (and longer lasting) suitors. Women are very “practical”. There is a higher likelihood that partners will share same values if closer to each others age. This age difference can only work if you both stay in Philippines and therefor there is a much higher likelihood that marriage will end badly if one brings such a young girl to western country. Also, the question is if it is moral or just a selfish act to marry a girl that will spend 40+ years of her live without support after 10-15 years of relative happiness (unless you leave her with paid for house with tons of cash on top it to pay for maintenance, utility bills, taxes, etc. + support money for kids).

    • Bruce says:

      Marcel,
      That is something I think about, even with Elena and me. Once I reach 62 I can receive my Social Security benefits. Since Elena has not and probably will never live in America. Because of this, when my life ends, so will the pension. I can make her beneficiary to any of my savings or investments in America but they are small and might end before my life on earth does.
      For the others Expats here with Filipina wives, are they making provisions for their wives, or are they just play things and do not worry after they are gone.

      • Ben says:

        Bruce:

        You and Marcel have brought-up a very important thought, “Making Sure The Wife Is Taken Care of After the Husband Dies.” Too often, here where I live, the husband and wife fail to make proper preparations for the other—or—the husband lived and died without ever securing enough assets to take care of the wife after his death. This has also been known to be the case in reverse—where the couple just never had anything—the wife passes on, and the husband is stuck with a funeral bill.

        Just a brief summary of my position: I am once divorced (ex-wife is an American). She already had 4 children when we married—I was her third husband. Her oldest daughter had been raped by her second husband when she was 4 and 5-years old. The man responsible was also the father of her two younger children. Thinking my marriage was a sure-thing, I adopted the two youngest children in order to protect them and to give them a decent life. The two older children had their father in their lives, at least part of the time. All-in-all, I helped raise all 4 children—mostly by myself.
        She (now my ex) was unable to be faithful to one man. So, seven-years later, the marriage ended. I lost everything I had worked for: the home, vehicles, everything—but I was granted custody of my two adopted children, and also the two stepchildren for a time. I have no biological children.
        After my divorce, I remained single for 8-years. I worked and finished raising my two adopted children. I purchased some land, and later a mobile home to put on it. When a person loses everything and, being 40-years of age, starting over again can be difficult. After MaryAnn (my present wife) and I married, I realized I had to do something to make sure she had a home should something suddenly happen to me. I scheduled an appointment with my lawyer to update my Will. And, it was then that I realized how difficult and frightening probate court can be—especially if there is no Will. To make this short: I have the Will fixed so that my adopted children will get only what I wish for them to have (They are both married and doing well financially). MaryAnn’s name is on the deed, all the bank accounts, and the titles to all the automobiles (even though she doesn’t have a driver license at this time). The home, all the contents, and the land is Willed to MaryAnn’s at my death. I want to make sure that MaryAnn has access to everything without having to go through the court system to do it. Of course I plan to live for a long time—I plan.
        My point is this: We have to make sure the proper preparations are made well in advance. Fortunately, MaryAnn can receive my Social Security, since she is living in the USA. However, it did take me awhile to get her to understand that “if” something happened to me the home is all hers and she would also have security to support herself with. I place emphasis on the word “if”, because she doesn’t like talking about death.
        I hope my little story will be helpful to the discussion of this topic.
        Ben

        • Bruce says:

          Ben,
          Again, thank you for adding these comments with your history and your honest thoughts. I do wonder how many Expats here consider the future with their wives and if they are provided for.
          Also how many have married a Filipina and moved her to the States and how they protected themselves from an early divorce and deep losses from the divorce.

  10. Ben says:

    Bruce:

    I wasn’t offended at all. I think your post is very informative. My post was simply about “my own” experience. I understand both the positive and negatives of the relationships. I do, however, like to think the positives outweigh the negatives. Your posts are all helpful. So, keep writing….and I will keep reading.

    • Bruce says:

      Ben,
      Thank you again for your comments. I can only write from my observations, experiences and life here in Davao. Maybe one day some readers will offer to write a guest blog to describe the reversed situation, a Filipina married to and living in America or another country.

  11. Billy Escobar says:

    My observation from this is quite obvious that young Filipina women have very few options and different reasons for finding a “Spouse”. You are very correct that women want security, especially those coming from poverty stricken areas of the world. Both sides can take advantage of the other and it is true that women do mature much faster than men.
    I do find it wierd to see lareg age gaps and its does stick out more when it is a Foreigner. Do I think that the girl is actually attracted to that man. Not really but the Man knows exactly what has got her attention from the start despite them developing a “real” relationship afterwards.
    In all cases, neither is to blame but as long as the Philippines is a third world country economicaly then this will always exist. It is not only confined to the the PI but all over the world.

  12. ian says:

    Billy asks ” Do I think the girl is actually attracted to that man”? And then answers the question himself in the negative.Even tho I consider myself to quite liberal and accepting of things, I must admit that I had the same perception before I actually spent time living in Davao. Now I realize that altho sometimes Billy is correct, a great many times he is not correct! So what has caused the change in my perception? It has been to realize that previously I always judged the situation using my first world North American eyes and cultural biases. In this country people are not so hung up on age and weight and amount of hair on ones head as the North American brain washed people are- who judge people far more by their age and weight and the kind of car that they drive. In North America many times once one reaches age 60 people are already discounting you as a person, whereas in other cultures older age is seen as a sign of maturity and is respected much more. And go on a dating site for awhile and see just how many Filipinas are looking for older foreign guys- not just for the money-but because they are sick and tired of meeting younger filipino men who just want to use them for sex- and then when they get pregnant leave them w/o a second thought! I know that there are many responsible filipino men, but even they have to admit that they are not the norm!
    So maybe for that younger woman you see- and i do NOT mean the 18year old with the 75 year old ! lol- what she sees is more than just a bank account, but in fact a mature responsible more sensitive man who provides her with much more than financial security . At least I hope thats what I do ! lol

    • Bruce says:

      Ian,
      What you say is true in some respects. Many younger ladies look at older men as responsible and respectful and more secure but I do believe many they see a foreigner for his wallet and future security more then love. But as others have said, both get what they are looking for. The man a young firm body and the lady a better life.

      • ian says:

        Bruce- do you really think for one moment that I would let myself be influenced by a firm young body ?????
        damned right !! hehehe
        But if the young body and the bank account are the only reasons for the couple being together they are both due for a real wake up call when the lust wears off. It saddens me to see so many couples together at the malls etc who dont seem to be enjoying each others company, coz to me thats what its all about.
        I’m enjoying your site.

        • Bruce says:

          Ian,
          That is the problem I have seen. Many men have their firm young lover and then a few months later either he gets caught with his pants down and the girl walks, or she leaves for someone else. This is not always, as there are many dynamics happening here.
          As in marriages in the states, a couple together all the time run out of things to talk about. There, if couples get together, the ladies group together and talk and the men are at the other end of the table having their own talk.
          Here Filipinas, since they are more comfortable in their own language and for the “girl talk” will group together and leave the men to their own discussions.

    • Billy Escobar says:

      I agree on your statement to a point, they are not hung up on their spouses actual looks but if they are foreigner that is a plus because general consesus is he has money. yeah its not true and is a stereotype but from what I’ve seen stereotypes are what uneducated masses cling too. Also if anything young people having sex and leaving each other when they have a kid or father not supporting someone is not a Filipino thing. Its common all over the world but just more evident in developing nations. I’m just saying initially both parties know whats on the table and if they don’t fall in “love” later then someone is in for a rude suprise. Wisdom in life is not born but acquired through experiencing and LEARNING from our failures and mistakes.

      • Bruce says:

        Billy,
        You are right. I remember in America the stories of “deadbeat dads”. I have even herd of fathers changing to lower salary jobs so they did not have to pay child support. At least in America there are laws to protect the support of kids.

  13. Evelyn says:

    hi,bruce..nice topic..
    it is interesting to know the sentiments of foreigners married to filipino women..
    But you know what i think?Filipino women make excellent wives..hehehe..bragging here…kidding aside …,filipinas have this naturally caring attitude aside from being understanding and patient…hehehe..that is why they i mean we as in WE (bragging again)make the best wives in the world–you have proven that yourself ,bruce..hahaha..
    as for the word westernized as some of your commenters were saying—ahhhmmmm..i think there is a “wrong notion” to this–i mean “misconception”
    -the fact that the filipina wife is coming to a foreign land is already the beginning of going to be “westernized” so to speak..
    to me being westernized is adapting a new culture…immersion…or a transition and this is very ,very difficult..
    why i said so? first?- there is this language barrier?
    2nd?—culture shock?
    3rd?–lifestyle adjustment
    but most of all LONGINGNESS AND HOMESICKNESS
    so to all of you out there who are married to one of my kababayans (countrymen),please bear with them and love them to the fullest..hehehe

    • Bruce says:

      Evelyn,
      What is meant by westernized is when the Filipina gets the credit cards and attitude like some of the American ladies. They learn the power of the Dollar and the power and financial stability of a divorce. Plus they learn how they prefer a life in America and do not ever want to return to the Philippines.

  14. rich says:

    hehe a lot of opinions

    • Bruce says:

      Rich,

      Yes, and I am surprised, all were mostly supportive of my observations. I thought I was going to get arguments.

  15. Terence says:

    Bruce,

    Great article….and since I will be moving to your fair city to live in about five weeks, I read it with even keener interest.

    At the end of the day, we all, men and women, Filipinos and foreigners, young and old, act out of self-interest and to live a happy, fulfilled life.

    If a young, beautiful and sweet Filipina decides, for whatever reasons, she will achieve what she wants with a balding, fun-loving Irishman like myself, who am I to stop her?

    Looking forward to meeting you in March.

    Terence

    • Bruce says:

      Terence,

      Even at our age in America, relationships are many times based on lifestyle and support and not love. Just as long as both sides realize each others intent.

  16. rock says:

    Hi,nice reading.In some points i agree with you Bruce.Please be specific,the filipino people in visayas are different to other islands, for instance in Luzon. Its so shocking to me that there are parents supporting there daughters to meet a foreigner?.
    In the northern part of LUZON,parents dont ask money or support from their children. Most parents dont want their daughters to marry a foreigner, but some parents let their daughters if SHE is really determine and love the man. Some girls are scared to have a relatioship with foreigners (except the prostitute or a bar girls)because of the so called “DIVORCE”. AND YES, A GIRL FROM A POOR FAMILY WHO CANT EAT 3 MEALS A DAY CAN EASILY ACCEPT A PROPOSAL OR ANY CHANCES OF MARRYING A FOREIGNER. If u travel around philippines, you will find more about filipino women,AMAZING. During my days in manila, i met some girls in the bars, almost or most of them were from the provinces of visayas and mindanao. When i visited some parts of this islands,,, i would say,,, thats why most of the girls there, are crazy to marry a kano,to be freed from poverty.The living standard is worst than LUZON (EXCEPT TO THOSE EMPLOYED AND RICH PEOPLE). Sorry BRUCE for adding some info. More blessing to your website. Anyway, still choosing…

    • Bruce says:

      Rock,
      You are correct in your information. I try not to, and we can not generalize. There are Filipinas that want to marry foreigners and many who do not. It is the same in all cultures. For many years in all parts of the world and in many cultures it was taboo to marry outside of your religion, race or culture. That has changed.

      Some poor families here want their children to stay and assist in the families farm or business. Some to help them in old age. There are also many females who, even though they make a small salary feel they are surviving on their own.

      There is also a propaganda that foreigners will bring Filipinas back to their country and force them into prostitution.

      What I was writing about is the dynamics of the relationship and some of the reasons for looking for foreigners.

  17. Laiza says:

    Bruce,
    Your article is quite annnoying and intriguing as I have to read all the comments. I live here in Baku, Azerbaijan. I am 23 years old. I have been here for 1 year and 6 months now, I left Philippines to find a better job ( higher salary) I work as a teacher in an international school. I was educated in Philippines (up north, Cagayan Valley).

    Your article is realistic, and very honest. I can’t blame Americans or other expats marrying filipinas and moving to our country. Philippines is inexpensive, beautiful women are everywhere, english language is well spoken, plus the “girls” in Malate or prostitutes are cheap too.

    I am sorry if I may sound offensive to white people. I have nothing against Americans though. Living here and learning different culture opened my eyes that Filipina women and Russian women share the same qualities.

    They marry a man who can give their needs and even if no string attached. I pity those Filipina women who are married to Americans just because of money. They pretend to be so in love to these white people just to save their family from starving to death, but the thing is, they have a choice. They can help themselves to get out from that kind of life not just by looking for a dirty old rich American man.

    I hate the fact that being a “gold-digger” is the impression for Filipina women. I met few western men here and they always ask if that stereotype is true. Well, maybe yes for those who are involved but I think I don’t belong to that group, do I? I just don’t believe that a 20 years old young Filipina lady will marry a 50 above Americans because they love them. That is totally bullshit, I am a Filipina and I am definitely sure about that.:-)

    I am working, I make my own money, and can support my family back in the Philippines. I dated once a western guy (hmm 42, rich), he said he will let me go back to Phil. to get my masters degree or go to med.school, I said “you are an asshole!” and left him with his sushi and fancy dinner.

    I might be in need, but not stupid to trade my happiness for money. Are these Filipinas not insulted and embarrassed when they walk on the street with their old man? Maybe yes, but as you have said, they have to sacrifice to support their parents. That is the truth that annoys me all the time. I wonder if those Filipinas are happy, well I mean they truly love their man unconditionally. Just a quick question, do you think your wife will not leave you if you run out of dollars?:-)

    Your article is full of truth about Filipinas, I hope your wife didn’t marry you to get an education in the states.:-)

    Sometimes, we have to bite the bullet to get what we want, but sometimes it’s not worth it…maybe yes, but just in a short period of time…:-)

    • Bruce says:

      Laiza,

      Thank you for your comment. It is a welcome addition to hear from a Filipina who has found a way to improve her life. But you have to agree, there are many poor families that cannot afford to send their children to public schools and even harder to send them to college to get a higher education.

      Then look at the OFW situation. The percentage of hire-able and/or educated Filipinos that are able to go abroad is small. There are many wanting and qualified Filipinos that either cannot get hired or cannot afford all the fees and costs to get to Manila and apply to work abroad. Everyone and every agency has their hand out to make their money at the expense of the Filipino.

      I had a nephew who contacted and borrowed from all he could to cover costs to take a job in the Middle East.

      As for my wife, her only reason she wants to visit the US is to meet my mother. She already has a college degree. Also she helps support me.

  18. ian says:

    Laiza- ah- isnt Karma a wonderful thing !! lol

  19. Ed says:

    I’m a soon to be divorced man. Not by my choice mind you, but my wife’s. I’m tired of spoiled American women. Sounds like the Filipina women are the type of women I’m looking for. I’m an old fashioned guy, with old fashioned values and proud of it. I’m thinking of retiring to the Philippines. As a divorced Catholic without an annulment (I’m working on it), would I have trouble finding a Filipina wife since it’s a Catholic country?

    Also, is it hard to find a Catholic Church with Mass in English there?

    • Bruce says:

      Ed,
      I do not think any Filipina interested in marrying you would care if you are only legally divorced and not annulled in the Church. Here to get married all you need is a original divorce decree and a “Capacity of Marriage” from the US Embassy in Manila.

      There are Churches where the masses are in English. Elena goes to Carmilite Church and it is always in English. Any other questions or assistance feel free to ask.

  20. Tom Martin says:

    Well Bruce you seem to have hit upon a topic that stirred up some interest. I agree with what you said in your article. I believe when a young woman marries an older man it is not really for love, but for security. I do think many of the relationships over time do grow to be more about love than security. I cannot help but laugh sometimes when I hear older Western men talk about how the young women of the Philippines find them attractive and desirable. They find their money and status attractive. I really laugh when these men believe if the playing field was equal they would choose them over a Filipino their own age rather than someone old enough to be their Grandpa. It is not just the pot belly, wrinkles, and general wear and tear on the old body it is about having similar interest. I liked the disco’s when I was in my twenties, but do not care one thing about them today. I think a young woman marrying an older man for security gives up a lot and is to be commended if she can do it and remain faithful to the end. I also know of cases where young women have married older men with out any savings or income other than social security and when the man dies the woman will be left with nothing and be in her late thirties or forties. Those women who take care of these men and act more as a caregiver than a spouse are certainly to be commended. Being a priest I had a set opinion about these arrangements when I first came to the Philippines, but I no longer feel the same. Yes, there are prostitutes in the Philippine just like any where else, but the majority of the time it is about survival and a better life and the women are good decent women. I do not think it is the men that are being used who enter into these relastionship if anyone is being used it is the women. I pray that the men realize how fortunate they are to have their needs met and in return treat these women that make these tremendous sacrafice with the upmost respect and love.

    • Bruce says:

      Tom,

      In the past, chatting with women on the “porn” sites, I would ask if they like working there. I was thinking, even if it is demeaning being naked on camera, it is safer than a prostitute. Most would reply “No, but I need to help support my family.”

      It is a sad state where women are forced into a life like this, but with the major shortage of jobs and many who never finsihed public school and had no chance for college there are not many options for them.

      For the young ladies that do live with or marry a foreigner, I hope the man will put aside financial support for when the mans time on earth ends.

  21. ian says:

    Wow Bruce ! I always thought of you as a pretty conservative guy !! lol Glad to hear you are human after all !! hehe

  22. ian says:

    actually Bruce I was referring to your foray into the porn sites hehehehe

  23. Selena says:

    Hi Bruce, I have been quietly following your website. I am Filipina too, living in Australia. I supposed if you are a guy, you won’t have reason to check men’s profile in dating websites. If you are curious, check out Asian dating websites like Cherry Blossoms and DIA. You will b amazed at how many 50+++ Caucasian men looking for 18 to 25 year old Asian girls. I don’t know about you, but to me that is bordering on paedophilia. I would be most interested to hear what others think.

    • Bruce says:

      Selena,
      Thank you for visiting and commenting here on my site. I know about the older men looking for younger ladies. My feelings are my own and as I wrote, both the man and the lady get what they want. These ladies are not being forced to get involved with an older man, unless their family is pushing it to help support their existence.

      These ladies do this for a better and secure life and the man does it so he can have a young sexy girlfriend/wife. As long as their is extream poverty in a country there will be ladies looking for a better life. If they could not afford a higher education and able to work abroad they do this. Maybe it is the easy way out, but again, it is their choice.

  24. Selena says:

    I can see your point Bruce. But what I forgot to mention in my previous post, big age gap like these is asking for disaster. I am very aware of the tarnished Filipina image abroad as being scammers, gold diggers and visa whores, and of course as a Filipina this hurt me too because I know that NOT all Filipinas belong to these categories. As you implied in the above post, it is a business transaction. However, business transactions as they tend to do, tend to fall apart. If I had gotten a dollar for every failed Pinay/Kano relationship either there in PI or here in the west, I could retire by now, lol!

    I often hear of Aussie men say that the reason that they want a Filipina bride is because the Pinays are well known for being devoted and loyal and don’t care much about age. Hey! wake up guys! Pinays adore youth just as much as any race on this planet. Realistically, if you are pushing 60 and running around with an 18 year old, why don’t you strip in front of a mirror and ask yourself whether she really loves you for that fat, balding,wrinkly western appearance or the visa and $$ that is attached at the end of that particular anatomy. And then these guys cry foul when their 18 year old bride leaves them after 3 months of marriage in the west? And this is regardless of the 2 year mandatory cohabitation. Filipinas have gotten wiser to get out of these transactions without getting deported. OK, now that I have thrown the cat amongst the pigeons, go for it. 🙂

    • Bruce says:

      Selena,
      I have seen and heard of both situations in America. One who was fleeced by his Filipino bride he brought over. She emptied his bank account and left. I also knew of other relationships that lasted as long as I knew them.
      I do see the closer in age the longer it lasts. That is why I looked for a lady closer to my age. Elena is only 12 years younger then me and comes from a family that was not rich, but not poor.

  25. IAN says:

    Selena- I’m sure if i had just a peso for every failed pinay/pinoy relationship i would be very wealthy indeed! At least I dont see the foreigners getting their gfs pregnant and then just deserting them like I do many pinoys! At least I dont see those foreigners expecting their wives to get jobs or become overseas workers to support the family while they stay home drinking tuba all day like many pinoy do. And i dont see that ” fat,balding,wrinkly western appearance” being any worse than a ” skinny,balding,wrinkly asian appearance” . And I dont see those foreigners breeding at an incredible rate and then just dumping their babies on their mothers and sisters to look after. If you have so little love for western people why are you living in Australia and not home in the Philippines where you dont have to listen to men saying how devoted Pinays are! And why are you looking at those dating web sites showing western men since you have so much contempt for them?

    • Selena says:

      Did I touched a raw nerve with my comment about “fat, old, balding, western people” on you Ian? You are not admitting you belonged to this category are you? Did I ever say or imply that I hated the western people who have given me so much in this country? I was simply saying the on going misconceptions of the west about Eastern women. And very little gets through back home also that Asian wives gets abused and murdered here too! Or if it is, then it is overlooked and the Pinay hopes for the best. It is better if the Pinoy just walk away leaving the woman with the baby. At least she’s still breathing!

      • Bruce says:

        Selena,
        I enjoy your past comments and views, but please show respect. We all have our views and our angers. All can tell their feelings, but not to insult me or the other visitors.

    • Bruce says:

      Ian,
      You are correct. If you talk to many of the “single moms” here, they got pregnant and the Filipino left town or argued the kid was not theirs. Also you hear many ladies that are “separated.”
      But it is not only in the Philippines. In America there is now laws to protect single moms and get support from their “dead beat dads.” Many states control the child support and collect the money and then send it to the mother. This way if the dad does not pay, they can easily attach their paychecks or attach their tax refunds. Some have even been incarcerated.

  26. Selena says:

    Ian says: “they are both due for a real wake up call when the lust wears off. It saddens me to see so many couples together at the malls etc who dont seem to be enjoying each others company, coz to me thats what its all about”.

    Hey Ian, do you really think that lust was 2 way in these instances? My bet is, it is one way, and you know which way it was coming from. Actually, I find Kano/Pinay interactions at the Mall really entertaining. When I was in the Philippines last June, my sister and I were eating in one of the eateries at the SM Mall. A Pinay playing with her new mobile phone handed by the Kano to her (so presumably given) caught our attention. The body language definitely did NOT ooze romance and love. Then when they got up to leave, he leaned over to kiss her and ….. she ducked!! 🙂

    And Laiza says:”I just don’t believe that a 20 years old young Filipina lady will marry a 50 above Americans because they love them. That is totally bullshit, I am a Filipina and I am definitely sure about that.:-)

    Hey Laiza, I agree with you 100% girl! You are spot on. Sure some real love can happen, but I certainly saw very, very few of them here in the land of down under. I have been blessed with having been able to live in both east and west, and saw the best and the worst of both cultures.

    Let me tell you a very, very sad case of sacrifice. Years ago, I became friendly with a Pinay who was 15 years older than I am.
    She was 22 when her Aussie husband married her, and he was 37. She confided in me that she married him to help her family, and was hoping to bring her family here. Well, it failed miserably. The husband did not have money to send to her family. He opposed her idea of bringing at least one of them here for reasons unknown to her. So she thought that if he could not supply the money for her family, then she would by working. But she would need help from another sibling. She was an intelligent woman, was 1st year college when she left the Phil. But her husband opposed her going to college. He wanted a traditional Asian marriage with the woman staying home to look after the children. So she felt obliged to stay because of the children, but felt trapped. 16 years later, the children have grown and left home. The last time I saw this friend, she told me that what a waste her life and sacrifice had been, told me she was leaving her husband of 25 years. I wished her well. 2 years ago, I received a card from her telling me she has remarried to a man that she really loved. To me, this was probably the saddest story I have ever heard. I wonder how many Filipinas are like her who has chosen to stay for every reason but love? In the end, it was all for nothing, as she pointed out.

    • Bruce says:

      Selena,
      That is why I tell Foreigners to set their boundaries before coming here and to let the lady know of these limits. If neither listen or are too blinded by their lust for body or money, it is their fault.
      When Elena and I were talking online about her coming to America, I talked to her about the fact we were not to be supporting her family. They lived without my support before and do not need to expect it now she was to come to America.
      Instead I moved here. She explained my lower financial situation to her family and “not to ask.” We see her family at times and we are enver asked for support.

      So, setting clear and understood limits and rules is best. And it is best for both to understand and agree. If they expect different results, it is their fault for any misunderstanding or deceit.

  27. IAN says:

    Selena- there are far too many good people posting on this site for me to get into a war with you answering your personal attacks. Unlike Steve who I recently had words with here, Steve’s comments came with the best of intentions and with a real concern for what is going on . You on the other hand, like Laiza, only seem to be concerned about trying to cause problems- by showing your racist contempt for us ! But as with many of these blogs/forums inevitable someone shows up who has no agenda other than to try and cause problems – usually by showing how ignorant they are. You even said yourself how you wanted to ” throw a pigeon into the cats”- well my little pigeon I have no time for your man hating comments that show nothing but contempt for western men ! I will not appologize for being form the west. I will not appologize for being overweight. And i certainly will not appologize for being over 50. And your comments about anyone like myself being a paedophile shows just how ignorant and devoid of sensitivity you really are! As long as I have 2 balls in my pants i will never sit quietly by and see someone like you trash me or anyone else. Go home little girl and take your meaness and stupid personal attacks with you. sorry Bruce but I have seen too many other sites get destroyed by people like Selena and laiza !!

    • Bruce says:

      Ian,
      I agree with you. That is why I replied to Serena that is is ok to post comments and tell their views, but to respect the other visitors as we will respect hers. I rarely delete someones comment except if it is spam or trying to start an agenda that is not compatible with this site and it’s visitors.

      • roy says:

        I know it’s late to join in the fray Bruce but I am curious what is the intention of Laiza & Selena. They belittle young Filipinas who marry white men for money. & at the same time, rebuke white men for the choices they make. What business do they have to judge people that they are better than the young Filipinas who marry white men for money? Just because they married for love does not mean that they can gloat over their good fortune in life. If they are so fulfilled in life, I seriously doubt that they would behave, or react like the way they are behaving. They are contemptuous of those kind of couple.

        Now, on another point, about the May-Dec affairs, how common are they? Maybe it’s just an urban myth. The ones that you see in the Phil are probably just having fun, & not married. My very good friend is married to a much older guy. When I see them in bed, my friend who was a beautiful virgin when she got married looked like she belong to that “catch-all phrase” pejorative label for white dudes, sorry. Another girl I know, helped marry an Ozzy guy is also very much happily married to the guy, despite age difference.

        If at first, I saw the age difference, now no more. What I see are fulfilled women who may nag their husbands for smoking but allow them once in awhile bec I’m around.

        • Bruce says:

          Roy,
          Good observation. I think these two ladies are defensive of their county and countrymen and also have found ways to improve their lives and be able to go abroad to live and work. They worked hard with the help of their family to do so.
          As most of us feel, if we can do it, why cannot everyone. Well, life will teach us, we are not the same. Some have the drive to improve their lives and some either do not have the resources, the ability or the fortitude to so so. There are also some that look for the easy way out.

  28. Marcel says:

    Ian, I am sorry to see that you took Selena’s comments as a personal attack towards you. However, I really value her input, because I prefer brutal honesty in discussions like this and it is nice to see here opinion of a woman, not just guys. I find it very unnatural to see a couple consisting from an old frail man barely holding on to his last breath and young Filipina that could be his grand grand daughter. However, I am guilty myself, because I find myself attracted to young beautiful women as any other normal man. Being forty, if I’ve found myself presented with a choice to have sexual relations with a woman in her 20’s or a woman of my age, I would surely choose the young one. Believe me; I was very tempted when I was looking for a wife from Philippines, to choose the youngest and prettiest girl available, the girl I could only dream about here in Western world because such a young girl would pretend an interest in me only if I had millions in my bank account. BUT, then my higher brain functions kicked in and I have reminded myself that such a girl would leave me or cheat on at first opportunity, because for that girl I would be an old annoying and boring old fart keeping her on a short leash, preventing her from having fun. Also, I have realized that I am not looking for an object of my lust but a partner in life that has a potential to become my equal in dealing with stresses of life in fast paced western society. That is what made me to place a higher value on mental maturity and education of my wife.
    The relationship between young girl and an old man can only work in third world country, where value of your dollars will make her feel like she lives with a millionaire. Undoubtedly, what young Filipina sees in an old, ugly fat man initially is a walking ATM, a means how to get out of the poverty and improve their and theirs family’s lives. And if you are lucky, over time, two-way emotional bond between the two will appear. Also, the society in those countries is far less judgmental than western ones. It is inevitable that topic strikes at heart, because predominant percentage of older expats chose to marry a young girl in Philippines just because perceptions on everything are so different there.
    I also strongly agree with what you said Ian, and that is that expats often prove themselves to be far more responsible fathers and husbands than local men. In my mind, one of the top reasons of poverty in Philippines is over-procreation and irresponsibility of men there.

    • Bruce says:

      Marcel,
      As I commented to another comment, that is why I chose Elena when planing to find a lady to bring to America. I wanted a woman for a wife, not a daughter where I had to decide everything. Also the pointing and whispering behind my back.

  29. ian says:

    marcel- I have absolutely NO objection to honesty, its when someone starts accusing us of being paedophiles and murderers that I take exception!!! Yes – I take that VERY personally !!
    And I defy anyone to meet my wife and I and after seeing us together declare that she is only with me for money and I with her coz of her age.! Of course that situation does happen here. In fact as far as I can see thats the reason that a lot of guys come here. But to deny all of the relationships that are based on mutual love and respect I think is very short sighted.
    I did not disagree with Selenas or Laiza choice of topic because I dont want to talk about that kind of thing- rather I disgree with their characterization of every older westerner with a younger filipina as some kind of monster . Selena tells us about an “intelligent” educated filipina who sold her self to a westerner for money- rather than get a decent job and educate herself- and how that women then said she had wasted her life. I think that says much more about the filipina than it does about the westerner. And it says a whole lot about Selena and her attitude

    • Bruce says:

      Ian,

      We all have our views and conception of life and what we want and need. In some of the relationships between older men and young ladies, it works out well and some end in someone hurt. Just like anywhere else.

  30. ian says:

    Bruce says:
    January 22, 2010 at 8:22 pm
    Rich,

    Yes, and I am surprised, all were mostly supportive of my observations. I thought I was going to get arguments.

    Bruce- hope we are managing to spice up your blog a bit !! lol

  31. ian says:

    Bruce- a suggestion. Doesnt really mean that much to me but being basically lazy as I am ……
    You are posting on several topics, but in reality the topics all seem to end up running together into one main theme ie life in the philippines for a foreigner
    so my idea is to just run everything under one heading and save me searching several heading all the time to see whats new !! lol
    I think you should be able to easily change your “leave a reply” form to include a heading box,
    just a thought

  32. Marcel says:

    Yes, I do agree with you Ian. Generalization is dangerous in any discussion and there are exceptions to the rule as far age gap is concerned. I am sure that there are many wonderful relationships between young Filipina and older Westerner. Unfortunately, bad relationships far outweigh those good ones. That is the reason why Filipinas are seen as gold diggers and visa whores. Extreme poverty in many cases forces them to “sell” themselves. That is a reason why Philippines (Thailand, etc.) is such a popular destination for old westerners who are quick to take an advantage of this situation. On occasion I myself feel uneasy about these generalizations and perceptions in the West, when people find out that my wife is a Filipina. For some, I may appear as a low life who took advantage of poor girl and my wife can be perceived as a visa whore… Don’t forget that Selena’s, Laiza’s or mine opinion is strongly influenced by western society. As I have mentioned, perceptions are way different in Philippines that is why some relationships with large age gap can thrive there. Nevertheless, we cannot hide the fact that majority of relationships in this case are based on business contract with benefits for both sides hopefully.

    • Bruce says:

      Marcel,
      One of the reasons, besides maturity I picked Elena was I was planning to bring her to America. I did not want to sit in a restaurant with a very young wife and have all the other patrons whispering and pointing at me.
      Something not mentioned, here you will also see many older Filipino men with young Filipinas too.

  33. ian says:

    marcel- i have no argument with everything that you say. And i consider myself to be truly blessed in my relationship. Anyone who had met my wife and I in person never goes away feeling that she is after the money and i am after her youth !!
    I have maybe been a little hard on Selena but as you say she has been strongly influenced by normal western perceptions and misconceptions- and biases. I actually feel sad that she has got herself into such a negative mindset. Hopefully she will find a nice guy and they will find happiness together [ i assume from her posts that she is single! lol].
    I do agree that my situation is not the norm. But just as in a traditional western relationship for it to work well it requires constant effort by BOTH parties. And communication is crucial-especially for the touchy matters we would rather not deal with. In fact I think that communication is even more important here between a man and a woman as here we have even more differences to deal with such as cultural things.
    But today is one of those magic days here in Royal Pines in Matina- the sun is shining, a cool breeze is blowing, Roy Orbison is blaring from the stereo, my wife is happy coz i let her work so she can feel independant which is really important to her, my ex just sent me a nice email, nothing hurts and everything is working as it should- can a man ask for anything more ??? hehehe

    • Bruce says:

      Ian,
      I am happy you are a constant visitor and commenter. You see the world with open eyes and are honest and candid in your feelings, which I try to be.

  34. ian says:

    Bruce- I’m actually glad to hear you say that! I tend to be very candid [ sometimes brutally so ! lol] and can go overboard on occasion if something gets me particularly worked up – so am never sure how I am being received. I’m from Vancouver [ the Olympic one] .

  35. ian says:

    Bruce- yes – me too! Sometimes not so successfully tho ! lol
    But hey- i figure if someone doesnt like what I say they just can scroll on by my posts !

  36. ian says:

    Gotta be careful when you go out with bait on your breath Bruce coz it tends to attract flies !! lol

  37. ian says:

    Duh- you said you looked ” with baited breath” Bruce !!! lol

  38. ian says:

    I have to remember sometimes that you are just an American [and not a Canadian] !! hehehehe But we try and make allowances for you .

  39. ian says:

    Bruce- I have no problem with being mocked, but get it right eh?

  40. ian says:

    Marcel said: I just wonder what will happen to these girls after couple of years when a man is gone (unless she can continue to collect his pension for a long time). There will we be a lot of young widows in their 20’s or 30’s, perhaps with kids and with a little hope to remarry
    To be honest Marcel I think she will be better off after her older husband is gone than she would have been if she had had a child with a pinoy guy who wouldnt have died- he would just have gone on to another woman ! And left her with nothing. I think that a lot of filipinas think that 10 years of happiness is better than NO years of happiness!
    Its sad when the idea of what a successful filipina is- is one who gets to leave the country for 5 years and leave her family at home so she can support 15 people
    What does the future hold for the Philippines? While the rest of asia makes huge progress and people get jobs and health care and homes and a decent life style I dont see much future for the Philippines other than to slide further and further into poverty.
    I love the people here and it depresses me to see what they go through – and as far as i see will continue to go through far into the future.

    • Bruce says:

      Ian,
      Not all Filipinos leave their wife/girlfriend one they get pregnant. At look in the US and Canada with all the “Deadbeat” dads who will even quit a job so they do not have to pay child support. You have a nice big house which I guess is in your wives name. IF you die, how will she pay home loans, utilities and buy food? She will have to turn it into a boarding house or sell it to survive.

  41. ian says:

    Bruce- didnt I tell you i already have that one all figured out

    i’m gonna live forever !!! lol

  42. maryann says:

    Hi Bruce;;;
    just saw your website today — its a good one and very interesting..
    i am particularly interested with selenas and laizas comments –i admire and respect their opinions ,they were just being frank but i dont see rudeness at all and perhaps they could help me with my concerns..could you give them my email add? i just wanted to ask their opinion–on a personal level..their views regarding my situation ..
    thank you

    • Bruce says:

      Maryann,
      I will forward your comment to them and it is up to them to reply. If you have any questions for me that you do not want posted for all to see, click on the “Contact Me” tab on top.

  43. Selena says:

    Well, well, well. Your website has been busy Bruce! I have just been a bit too busy to get back here since my last comments until you sent me the email tonight. Honestly Ian, I don’t know you from a bar of soap, so why do you take offence of what I said earlier unless it specifically applies to YOU?? And please Bruce, do not delete this comment. Give me the right to defend myself. And thanks for your comment Marcel. That’s all I have to say in this matter since I am not retired and not have a lot of time in my hands.

    • Bruce says:

      Selena,

      Yes, I have been busy, this article has broken records with at this point, 96 comments. I am allowing your comments as I did Ian, but I ask again, viewers are allowed to state their views, but I would like more respect for each other. I think in the future I might censor rude comments or just delete the comment. I want us all to share but with respect.

  44. Selena says:

    And pls Bruce, donot delete this since you allowed Ian’s personal attack to me to get posted. Ian, are you sure your 2 balls were not made in China? Sounds to me you are arguing like a little girl for nothing. People who had no wise words to say resort to childish comments like yours. And I am HOME! and NO, I am not single, on the contrary, my American BF is a lot older than me, but it is my choice because I loved him for what he is, not for his visa or $$$.

    • Bruce says:

      Selena,
      Again, I will not delete your comment but in the future I want respect. YOu say your BF is older and you love him for the person he is, not his money, but many say that. I wounder if you both would be willing to move to the Philippines, live together in a Nipa Hut. That is the test.

  45. maryann says:

    hi bruce,
    tried to leave a message for you at “contact me”—but my message just wldnt go through..having problems with the 2+===honestly…
    do you have an alternative email add where i cld send you email? and by the way thanks for sending the ladies my email add , they were so nice and helpful..
    kind regards to your family..
    anne

  46. Laiza says:

    To Bruce- you picked a hot topic here huh..=) I received your email couple of weeks ago, just had no time to check on your site. Anyway, I said i have nothing against americans here, I said I can not blame them. =) I am just trying to make a point about how these filipinas mange to walk on the street with their old men. In my OWN opinion, it is just so ridiculous that filipinas are living a life with these americans just to save their families. I told you, i came from a very poor family. I worked in fast food to get my tuition fee, I ate bananas for lunch. These filipinas are fooling themselves. I do respect others, well maybe.. it is because of love, ok fine.. accepted. But believe me most of them will not even look at you if you do not have money..=)
    Ian- you make me laugh, why would I waste my time reading this article if I am not allowed to voice out my thoughts? I did not totally say I am anti-old american man.lol it is just sad that filipinas have no choice, you are dirty old man, marrying a 20 y.o. filipina, did you think that you are looking for a long term? that you are looking for a girl you’d grow old with? Hey, you are already old man..=) in a few years, she will want kids, and you are already 80 when your kids move out- is that how you envisage your retirement? spending your pension on piano lesson? when you think long term, you think others too. How would you feel when your daughter sleeps with a man older than you? Ian, I am not here to annoy Bruce, I am just giving my own opinion, I assume you are OLD enough to get that. As I am a long way younger than you, you know I am so inexperience compared to you.=)
    Selena- if you are happy, truly in love with your man? I have nothing against that. Go for it, and live a happy life…=)just make sure no regrets when he is gone…=)

    • Bruce says:

      Laiza,
      There are many Filipinos like you who worked hard to get an education and better your life. But you have to agree, with the high population and low wages it is difficult for many to follow in your footsteps. Also some take the easy way out and sell their body on the street, in a bar, on the internet or look for a older foreigner. I know of one man who married a lady he met in a GRO bar. She never finished high school, had a daughter and mother to support, could not find any job except working as a GRO.
      We all wish there was ways for more Filipinos to get their education and find a job to better themselves.
      You condemn Filipinas marrying older foreigners for a better life. Are they worse than families who sit around their big house and show off how good their life is when they are totally supported by a family members OFW remittance.

  47. Kristine says:

    all views pointed here are acceptable and valid since it was all taken from different views.

    from my view point—
    i am 27 professional earned my MBA at 26 and already handling a managerial position here in davao city.

    i am always been attracted to white guys… and i would like to marry one. in fact i am searching since i am ready to settle down…

    i prefer guys who are older than me– since i am looking for maturity. although, i have to be honest i am looking for someone that can spend his life with me and not just some few years… i am quite choosy…

    i also wonder why there are white men on their 60’s look for ladies on their 18’s… then one of my guy friends said, although they know that these ladies look over their shoulder while having dinner in restaurant, flirting in the bar with dance partner coz boyfriend cannot dance anymore, they are allowing this short time of their life to happen, that they had a true love… i am not generalizing, but please lets be honest, it doesnt match…

    if a 60 year old man marries an 18 yr old woman, 10 years later this poor guy mat not perform anymore in bed and yet the lady is still in her 20’s where all the confidence is built along with good life the husband or boyfriend has provided…

    true love exist but lets be realistic… it does not happen easily…

    • Bruce says:

      Kristine,
      As we all know, life for all does not follow any rules or logic. As you agree, different views see things differently. Also as a Filipina you know there are many young ladies here that look for older foreigners for support of themselves and their families. There are also many looking to get out of the Philippines for the “Land of Milk and Honey.”

      But, like you, there are some attracted to “white guys” that are a little older. You wonder why men in their 60’s look for girls in their 18-mid 20’s? I think that is obvious, the girls are young, firmer and available which they are not in their home country.

      Most men in their 60’s in America are lucky if they can date a lady more then 10 years younger then them.

      I thank you for telling your views and about yourself. I enjoy all views on the subjects I write about and try to respect all.

  48. ian says:

    Kristine- not be able to perform any more in bed?? You need to expand your library of sexual techniques Kristine !! lol
    There are other things an experienced lover uses hehe

  49. ian says:

    Bruce- too many people get hung up on penile/vaginal acts as the major component in sex, when in reality that is just one small part of the repertoire that any REAL MAN has at his disposal !!

    People like to make these comments such as ” oh, he is old and probably doesnt get hard anymore so he can’t please his wife anymore”. In my experience most wifes have never been truly pleased in the first place ! lol But they cant offend their man’s ego by telling him ! And he cant take the chance of losing his “stud” status by ever asking her if she is pleased ! hehe
    Europeans in general have a much more worldly approach to sexuality- and sexual satisfaction.[ the French anyway. Must be a reason its called French kissing. lol] The joke amongst French women is that Anglo men dont know what a tongue is for.
    People who are willing to experiment a little bit in their love making- find that anything that happens between 2 consenting adults is acceptable- and very often rewarding beyond their wildest imaginations. !! hehe Most of those young guys with their buffed bodies dont have a clue about how to really make a woman happy- in bed-in the kitchen-in the bathroom etc etc lol

    • Bruce says:

      Ian,
      Please cut down these explicit comments. I consider you a friend and am asking to respect this site. I am letting this print since it has some valid information, but please respect me, my readers and this site.

  50. ian says:

    wow- i never in my wildest dreams would have thought that any group of adults would consider my post “explicit” lol
    Not in the Philippines or in fact anywhere else.
    It must have been the reference to the kitchen ! hehe
    I would really appreciate peoples feedback on this . Maybe old age has messed up my judgment more than I realized.

    • roy says:

      I don’t ian. In fact, reading “explicit” post has given me a renewed sense of hope that every thing will be alright. Loosen up Bruce! 😉

    • Bruce says:

      Ian,
      What I meant by explicit is this, the site is about life of an Expat in the Philippines, not describing body parts and sexual needs or positions.

  51. ian says:

    After all, the name of the topic, is

    Dynamics of Filipina/Foreigner Relationships

  52. ian says:

    glad i could help Roy !! hehehe

    I certainly didnt mean to offend anyone

  53. frankie says:

    a family friend of mine met a lady online in philippines..went over in love to marry her..which they did after him being there 4 weeks..since then he has seen a huge amount of single beautiful women and has started to play the bad husband..he is having affairs everywhere..this man is no longer my friend ..he is on a pension and he knows she cannot survive financially without him so she has to deal with him going out to bars etc ..she works full time he gives her no money….if they divorce is she entitled to any of his australian pension to help support her … i feel so sorry for her …and i cant believe he was my friend…

    • Bruce says:

      Frankie,
      I am sorry about your friend and friendship. IS your friend back in Australia with her or in the Philippines. I have heard of many that move here enjoying the avaliablity of young willing partners and putting their wives in similar circumstances. I have no respect for any of these men.

  54. mariel says:

    hi! just read your post and i am totally agree with what u have wrote. But i was shocked by these:

    “Many times a girl’s parents will support their daughter to use an internet café and if needed, live in another city in a boarding house to be able to find a foreigner husband”

    Wow i really don’t know about these things, and never imagined there are parents like this in the PI, hehe! Where did u get or how did it come to ur mind about these things? 🙂

    Anyways I’m a Filipina, 23 years old single mom and still studying to become a Nurse.:) I always wanted to date white guys, i never did want any local guys here in PH,been tired to them.. hehe! But the problem is I’m not into too old guys, I want someone near my age. I do online relationship,mostly Americans, but I observed one thing about them, they are mostly to lie about things, they said they are serious but found out in the end that they’re cheating. So i had this guy now, he’s 39 but looks young, he’s in the Army. We haven’t met but hopefully we are, how can i know if he’s serious, any idea? LOL! sorry i know this isn’t have any relevance with your post, hehe! i just want any guys opinion,specially American guys out there. Hope u help me. thanks!

    • Bruce says:

      Mariel,
      First, yes it is true, I know personally 3 Filipinas from the Provence’s that was supported by their family to live in a city/town with a cafe to find a Foreigner husband. Then use the foreigner to help support her family.

      As for your story, some men and also some ladies lie in person or on dating sites. They will use others photos and tell lies about themselves or their interests. There is no way to know. I think both sides need time in the internet relationship and eventually meet a few times in person to see how they act in person.

      I heard of one Filipina that was scheduling visits from multiple foreigners. One told her he had to change the date of his trip. When she heard the new date she freaked out because she was expecting another foreigner to be there at that time. The truth came out and the man was real mad since they had meet in person before, promised marriage and he was sending her monthly support.

  55. Paul says:

    Which catagory does your Lady fit in?

    • Bruce says:

      Paul,
      My wife is not a young girl or from the provinces. She is an educated woman who fell in love with me as I did with her. With many marriages where they bought a house and then the Foreigner wanted to go back. Then the Filipina tells him “You Go” my wife tells all when asked what she will do says “He is my husband, I will follow as soon as the Visa is available.

  56. Peter says:

    GRO means guest relations officer, hehehe.

  57. jenelyn says:

    i appreciate this post. shocking it may seem, yes, filipino parents tend to push their daughter to find for a foreigner so she can support her younger siblings to education or for whatever reason but most likely is has to do financially. i know one colleague of mine who stopped working just because her ma and pa wanted her to be serious with foreign relationships. she never had a boyfriend before because her father was so strict with men who texts her on the cellphone or who calls her on the phone. so…after 1 year no work…now i see pictures of her in new york. she was granted with a fiance visa. she will be married anytime soon (less than 3 months). she’s happy where she is now although i really saw it from her before that marriage wasnt yet her thing. gladly, she’s with a very fine husband-to-be. fine in the sense that, he cares for her a lot more than just being merely stable and very supportive to her family. if it was otherwise, i doubt if she would be feeling what she feels right now.

    • Bruce says:

      Jenelyn,

      I try to understand the culture and the poverty level to understand the reasons for young Filipinas marrying older foreign men. At times when I hear the girl was pushed into the relationship to help support her family, I wonder if it is any difference than selling a family member into slavery. I just hope it works out for both the girl and the man.

  58. rose says:

    I am a Filipina. You could say I’m fairly lucky because I graduated from a top university and now has a successful career and my own place / car which I bought with my own money. I am not bad looking and have on occasion been approached by foreigners. I usually decline (politely) when they ask me out because of the stigma attached to Filipinas who go out with a foreigner. Sadly, this post just proves that the stigma is still there.

    • Bruce says:

      Rose,

      If Elena and I felt that way, we never would have found true love. give it a try, but keep care until motives are clear.

  59. Allynia says:

    Hi
    I was just browsing through and read your article. it’s a nice article.
    I’m a Filipina, just graduated doctor of medicine. Those things that you had mentioned in your article are quite true. Sad as it is, there are still a lot of people here in the philippines who are not privilegde enough to have acquired proper education and a stable employment, that they have to resolve to do things that was mentioned, to look for greener pastures and support for their families. In line with that, i do hope foreigners or other people for that matter would still respect them,they are, after all still human. I have nothing against foreigners, or marrying out of your own race. But i do agree that people should do it, not because they need the money, but because they lovingly adore each other. And it’s true that some filipinos still have that ‘thought’ of those women going out with foreigners, they act like it’s a bad thing. I know the feeling, since I’d been asked time and time again why I have a foreign boyfriend. unfortunately, people are sometimes too narrow-minded.

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