In the beginning, we try to give the best impression to this person. Maybe a friend introduced you to this person and told you about their interests and hobbies. You try to keep conversations on subjects the other person has an interest. You try to show your best manors and grooming. Over time, if the relationship continues, you get comfortable and your true self becomes more exposed. Sometimes the relationship ends up in trouble or ends. It could be weeks, months or even years.
Even if the relationship turns into cohabitation or marriage, over time our differences can become a problem. I have heard different excuses, such as “we have grown in different directions” or “he/she is not the same person I first met.”
I have even had friends that had a vision of the person they think they can change the person into and see that person with that vision or conception. I remember when a female friend told me her boyfriend is not the same as he was when they met. I told her he is the same, she was not able to change him to the person she envisioned him to become. She thought for a while and then agreed with me.
If you were lucky, and this problem occurred before you moved in together or become married, all it becomes is a breakup. You go on with your life and start over.
Over the past 15-20 years with the internet, many of us tried the internet dating sites. We sign up, answer questions, fill out a profile and even post a photograph. Most of us try to be honest, but we will tend to tell about how wonderful we are all our great accomplishments and about our caring and warm personality. We do not discuss our weaknesses, faults or personality flaws. Some even deceive and use old photos when our bodies were thin and firm.
After you make a connection, you send messages and emails to each other. Eventually it goes to phone calls or voice and video chat. How many times we see the other person on video or meet in person and they do not look at all like their photo on their profile. Again, no big problem, you either disconnect the connection, or if you met in person, you finish your drink and dinner and go home and delete the person from your speed dial.
Now to discuss international meetings since this is what many of the readers here are experiencing. With the difficulties, finding ladies in our home country more and more are looking at ladies from Asia or Europe. Many Caucasian men, me included, find Asian ladies exotic and beautiful. We have also heard how Asian women through their culture are taught to take such good care of their man.
So we go online and visit all the sites to meet a beautiful and in most cases young lady. As soon as you add your profile, you mailbox will be filled with hundreds of ladies interested in you. At first, you will feel so special, so many of these beautiful ladies want to get to know you better. Over time, you will find a few or even one lady you want to get to know better. You email each other and then move on to one of the instant messaging systems such as Yahoo. You will hear how this young lady is interested in an older American or European man since we are more reliable, mature and responsible than most men in their country. This is true but in many cases, it is more and never said. Why do you think these women spend a big part of their meager budget to spend hours in an internet café?
As I have written many times, here in the Philippines it is very difficult to earn a wage to support yourself or your family. Many Filipinos need a lot less to be content. They are not used to the large houses, central air conditioning, or even modern conveniences such as a stove. However, from watching movies or television they see how we live in our country. Then many hear about how a friend’s life has improved when they move to America or Europe. Some have friends or hear about a Filipina who is living with a foreigner here in the Philippines.
With this dream of such an improved life, many of these ladies will tell the man in emails how she will treat him and take care of him. They will tell you how they enjoy every hobby the man mentions or tells him how exciting it would be to learn his hobby so they can do these things together.
Is this much different from dating in your home country. Not really, we try to be what the person we are interested in dating is interested in doing. The difference is you never get to build the relationship as you do if the lady is in your own city. There is the old saying that “Long distance relationships do not last.” Now you are starting on a relationship that is half way around the world.
From most of the relationships between a Foreigner and a Filipina, I know or have heard about, most of these ladies are from a poor family located in the Provinces. I have spoken or joked with ladies who have a better job living in the city, if they were interested in a foreigner. Most of the time they look shocked and say no. This is because they feel they can have a good “Filipino” life and do not need a foreigner husband to support them.
So now, I have discussed how we meet. What is the next step? You take your vacation and fly to the Philippines. You stay in a nice hotel and have the lady meet you there. You have a wonderful week or two. You eat in nice restaurants, you spend the day visiting places or you go shopping and buy your lady gifts that to you are not expensive but they could never afford. By the end of your vacation, you are on a cloud and so sad you have to fly home.
Think about all your past relationships and how wonderful they were in the beginning, and how they ended. If you are honest, you can see it was the fault of both. The truth about you comes out and the same of your partner.
I am not telling you to give up your thoughts of finding a Filipino for a wife, just think about the amount of time needed to really get to know someone. Visit more than once. Tell about your moods, your lifestyle and ask questions about hers and her needs and dreams. If you are planning to bring her to your country, tell her about life there, the weather and the lifestyle. Even in America life and lifestyle is different depending where you live.
If you are planning to move here, visit the city you plan to live. Get to know other foreigners and ask about their life. Once you are here, build the relationship slowly. Set your boundaries and explain your needs. Learn as much about the customs and norms. As I have written, the Filipino culture is so different from the American or European culture. One boundary you need to discuss is the ladies family. Does she expect you to support any of her family or does she expect to let members of the family live with you?
I knew my wife Elena for about three years before I moved here. I visited her three times and the last two I stayed in her house. With all this, once here there were things or personality traits I never knew about her and some she did not know about me. We have worked out most but no relationship or marriage is perfect. The best part is we love each other enough to get through the problems.